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Cellphone Secrecy is Destroying the Trust in my Relationship

I would like some advice please on a very sensitive issue in my relationship. My boyfriend keeps his cellphone locked and out of reach. To me this is an immediate ‘red flag’ he’s hiding something or someone.
A brief history about us; there was some betrayal months ago but we worked through it and decided to move forward. Along the way it became a sick game to get revenge and hurt him the way he hurt me. I know that is wrong, immature, juvenile, and only made us toxic. This weekend I asked to see his phone, he refused and after a lot of persisting he held it and would flip through things quickly for me to see.

I keep my phone unlocked and laying around, he can answer it or look at anything anytime. I believe that’s how things should be in a relationship.
He can say he’s not hiding anything all he wants but with actions like that I can’t believe him or move forward.
Am I asking for too much by being completely open with me, especially considering our past I need that.

I’m curious how others feel about locked up cell phones.

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95 Responses

  1. Bee Krazie Bee Krazie says:

    2 years with my gf I couldn’t even tell you if she locks her phone or not.. You know why? Cause it’s her fuckin phone. People need to respect each others shit man what the fucks wrong with you

  2. Black books are now cell phones.Same ol problems that knowbody can solve.Sorry about it all.

  3. ok one how old are you 2??
    n two you ALREADY know the answer to that
    three why you still there then n askin for advice
    you already know comeon

  4. It is in my experience and opinion a Red Flag! Follow your gut is all I can say! There is real men out there, I’ve been through the same experience

  5. If there is nothing to hide, then he should let you look at his phone without issues. I let my BF of 12 years look through my phone anytime. No issues. After a while he didn’t bother because he knew there was nothing there. I’d ditch him. If a telephone is so important to a person where they have to have it locked and at their side, chances are are he is hiding something and the phone comes first to you. I would never allow to be second place to a phone.

  6. he prob just values his privacy, I wouldn’t take it personal.

  7. Yup. I felt that experience before. When a person in a relationship has their cell phone locked and the other partner don’t know the pass code or pattern they usually are hiding something. Sometimes ppl lock their phone so if they lose it noone can take their personal info. But not to give the other partner a pass code just to have clarity although you shouldn’t need it. You should be able to trust no matter what. These day and ages ppl are in relationships with their phone . Sad. I had a partner who had a pass code and hid everything. Found out and I was right. I had a hunch and it was pretty awful to find out the way I did. Just be careful because if you ever do end up getting the pass code and snoop then you may find something you don’t want to. It’s not worth the heartache. Communication is key and maybe you should talk to your partner if there’s anything that their hiding or let that person go.

  8. Yep. He’s hiding everything. Walk away from this psychopath,.

  9. If seeing his phone is that big of an issue to you, and would put a lot of your worries to bed, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t just do it.

  10. Both of our phones are locked not from each other but from the public, like everything else we know each other’s passwords, if you cannot trust your best friend love of your life and life partner why would be with them

  11. I think that if you feel the need to look through his things such as his phone then there is zero trust in the relationship. Relationships if not built on trust are worthless. Move on and get a different boyfriend.

  12. HAHA… Insecurities are the root of all relationship breakdowns… STOP BEING SO FUCKING NOSY… respect personal boundaries of a relationship.. Trust is the Foundation of all relationships, clearly your have none… hahah I would kick your arse to the curb!

  13. Michel says:

    better no man than a shitty one

  14. From what you’re saying he’s clearly hiding something. People are saying you should be able to trust him and give him his privacy but when you add in the fact that he has been unfaithful in the past, even though you decided to move on from it, the fact that he is the type of person who could do that is going to mean you need reassurance sometimes that you actually can trust him. And him not being willing to show you his phone, where the main evidence of cheating would be if there is any, is a major red flag. If you have nothing to hide and your partner wants some reassurance you aren’t gonna do what he’s doing.

  15. Terry Harris Terry Harris says:

    Without trust there is no relationship end of!!

  16. Kole Dupe Kole Dupe says:

    It’s not your cell phone you don’t pay the bill and it’s not yours to go through mind your own business

  17. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship.

  18. I think that you can in some cases you can rebuild trust. But If he was being faithful he would have no problem saying I know you still have trust issues here is my phone password anytime you are feeling insecure we can go through together with you at the wheel.
    I feel in this case he is being dishonest and probably not being faithful.
    My hubby and I have the same passwords on our phones. And it is literally just to keep the kids out of our phones and for security purposes. We have nothing to hide but I have never gone through his phone or him through mine.

    In sorry but I think you know the answer you’re looking for already

  19. I think you already know. Intuition is powerful…..we doubt ourselves so we look for evidence. It’s pretty evident he’s got something to hide.

  20. Simply put… those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Its that simple. He’s clearly hiding something from you. Which tells you EXACTLY where you stand with him. Some people are open books (with open phones, computers etc) and some people aren’t. Then again some people are cheaters and some people arent. Theres no such thing as blind faith in my world. Time to move on.

  21. Katy Yorke Katy Yorke says:

    I have girl chats and other private things that don’t affect my relationship. I lock my phone because my kids can see some of my sensitive chats. My hubby can look at anything but chats with my gal pals.

    In saying that, your relationship is doomed to fail already. Move on.

  22. Ginny Maria Ginny Maria says:

    Red flags alllll over the place, from both sides… If the trust is gone, it can’t be a good relationship. End of story.

  23. Ginny Maria Ginny Maria says:

    Red flags alllll over the place, from both sides… If the trust is gone, it can’t be a good relationship. End of story.

  24. Anna Denby Anna Denby says:

    My husband has his locked for “work” purposes. We had issues about a year ago but in May I got onto his phone to find he’d been chatting up with a girl and sending pics. The kicker was that I was almost 9 months pregnant. Since the we have been doing counseling and the codes off his phone. I still feel sick about it though and always think he’s doing something he shouldn’t be when he’s on his phone instead of spending time with me.

  25. Anna Denby Anna Denby says:

    My husband has his locked for “work” purposes. We had issues about a year ago but in May I got onto his phone to find he’d been chatting up with a girl and sending pics. The kicker was that I was almost 9 months pregnant. Since the we have been doing counseling and the codes off his phone. I still feel sick about it though and always think he’s doing something he shouldn’t be when he’s on his phone instead of spending time with me.

  26. Both my husband and I keep our phones locked but we know each other’s passwords. I trust my husband and have never felt the need to go through his phone but if I wanted to he would hand it to me, no questions asked. In a relationship there should be no secrets at any time. Because you had some issues in the past I would absolutely be concerned! Have you thought of sitting down and talking to him? Tell him how you feel. If a relationship is going to work, you MUST be able to communicate with each other about everything. If he’s not willing to communicate with you then trust your instincts.

  27. Both my husband and I keep our phones locked but we know each other’s passwords. I trust my husband and have never felt the need to go through his phone but if I wanted to he would hand it to me, no questions asked. In a relationship there should be no secrets at any time. Because you had some issues in the past I would absolutely be concerned! Have you thought of sitting down and talking to him? Tell him how you feel. If a relationship is going to work, you MUST be able to communicate with each other about everything. If he’s not willing to communicate with you then trust your instincts.

  28. If he won’t let you see his phone when you ask him that’s totally a red flag. I was in a similar situation a few years ago only to find out that he’s been cheating on me and meeting up with other women behind my back! RUN!!!!

  29. It sounds like you want people to confirm the fact that the trust is gone in your relationship

  30. Pat Scott Pat Scott says:

    I think what is destroying your relationship is trust on both sides if you trusted him the cellphone wouldn’t be an issue. You do have a reason not to trust him mind you and somehow you have to get it back good luck

  31. Someone who needs to “hide” from you, his life…has something to hide. Remember…when people show us who they are, believe them the first time. …. NEXT….

  32. Been in this situation. Whether the phone is locked or not you need to except the past as just that, the past. On the flip side in order to regain trust it needs to be earned. It the phone being block a sign of control from you or do you feel he is betraying you? How important is it to see in his phone?

  33. Alyssa Pupp Alyssa Pupp says:

    If you cant trust him, leave him.

  34. It’s not about the phone anymore

  35. Save yourself the heartache. Trust me. You should be allowed to look if you are feeling insecure.

    Don’t get me wrong. I understand privacy. But if all it takes is a breach of privacy once or twice to show you everything is okay… he should be willing to do it. If not…. well. I don’t think it’s worth your time.

  36. If it smells like a fish it is a stinky fish sadly at end u know what to do I’m 51 my ex cheated I let him back nothing changed except this time it’s finished. I can’t build trust with a narc. If they can’t be honest open why pretend. Cheaters cheat liars lie. At end ur worth so much more. Oh and one last thing trust is earned not given freely

  37. Firstly, I think you already know what to do, and i know it’s hard but life’s too short to waste on worry. In a damaged relationship, he should be helping you as you help him to rebuild. I think knowing his passcode is enough. If he gives that up that’s a start. But if he gives it to you, its without you creeping in his phone. Could you refrain from looking? If it’s a constant cycle of doubt. Move on.

  38. Jodi Flatt Jodi Flatt says:

    Oh Christ. I’ve been happily married 18 years and I don’t even know my hubby’s bank PIN. Why’s that? Aside from shared accounts, it’s called maturity and trust. If your guy isn’t trustworthy, then cut your losses and find a new one. Or stay with him and shut it. Either way, if his phone is going to be your hill to die on, you should probably not be in a relationship and focus your time and attention on your own self-esteem. When you truly love yourself, you will learn to expect and attract a better class of man.

  39. Andrea Diaz Andrea Diaz says:

    I could care less if my husband wanted to look through my phone. He also feels the same. Never have we ever needed to look at each others stuff. If there is betrayal in your relationship already well that should have been your first “red flag” and I’m sorry to be the bearer of band news but your relationship is going nowhere with that distrust.

  40. Cindy Moore Cindy Moore says:

    Ask him if he’d trade phones for the day! If he can’t do it then you know he’s shady AF!

    • Lol. I have nothing to hide but I certainly wouldn’t trade phones for a day. How would I play tapped out? I’d be a day behind. No thank you!
      If you have to know what’s on his phone or trade for a day then you don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him, no matter how much phone access you have won’t matter. You’ll then want to GPS his car, have check in calls, call his work and his friends, etc.

      If you have to check up on your SO in any way your heading down a shitty road that won’t end well….. imo.

    • Cindy Moore Cindy Moore says:

      Charlene Piche I’ve traded phones with my hubby twice over the years in order to take his in for repairs. It was funny as we texted our friends back to let them know how to contact one another. His workmates would accidentally text me instructions for oilfield deliveries etc. It was a pain in the ass but nothing to hide!

  41. Teri Sherry Teri Sherry says:

    I have never locked my phone neither has my husband. Never had the desire to look to see what his messages entail. You say that you have healed from the betrayal, your actions prove otherwise.

  42. I’ve never even thought to check if mine keeps his phone locked.

    It’s not my phone and I trust him completely. I really don’t think this is a phone issue at all, it’s much deeper.

  43. I don’t look at my husband phone or does look at mine but if he asked I say go ahead and vice versa. We all need privacy.

  44. I HATE when my husband touches mine….I’m not cheating, I’m not thinking of cheating, I just don’t like my stuff touched. There’s a chance you’re reading too far into it

  45. He’s your boyfriend, I wouldn’t give a boyfriend my info. I have everything in my phone. Personal info. A husband or wife, that’s different.

  46. Stupid phones and all this technology crap…. Will be absolutely useless one day.

  47. If you can’t trust him, don’t force it. I tried mostly for my kids because I thought it was the right thing to do, but it wasn’t.

  48. wow. whatever happened to trust? all these women above me “i know his passcode” “my thumbprint opens his phone” “honest or nothing” are ridiculous. if you trust your man you have no need to know the code to his phone, unless he gives it to you of course.

    and who tf leaves their phone just lying around when they leave the room? that is fucked unto itself.

    • My s/o and I have each other’s pass codes because we constantly switch between phones to show things. We’re both free to roam each other’s phones but in a year it’s happened maybe a half dozen times each-ish. And it’s usually because we’re showing the other something and they’re right there.

      It’s nice to have the trust that we can leave our phones out, with full access, and neither has abused it.

  49. Chelle Bee Chelle Bee says:

    I will open mine upon request anytime and his I can open w my thumb print.
    Open / Honest or NOTHING.

  50. Erin Grace Erin Grace says:

    If you don’t have trust you dont have a relationship.

  51. Vanna Brule Vanna Brule says:

    I would have a serious issue if my husband demanded to look through my phone.

    I have absolutely nothing to hide, but I have the right to privacy and the lack of trust would only make me angry.

    You either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t, end it. I wouldn’t want to live like that.

    • Agree .both my husband and I have our phones locked from each other and safety reasons ..i have nothing to hide but it is mine and he dosent need to go through and read my convos between me and my girlfriends .its noones buisness and my friends trust me to not reveal things about them ..i dont need to go in my husbands phone either .my theory has always been if she wants him and can get him then have him ..

    • The OP has already stated that there are trust issues due to previous indiscretions. Showing your phone is not a big deal if you have nothing to hide. Trust has to be rebuilt.

    • Vanna Brule Vanna Brule says:

      I disagree. When you make the decision to forgive someone for something like that, you make the decision to trust them again. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you get to hold it over them for the rest of their lives, or that you get to keep them under lock and key.

      If you need to watch your spouse every second, then forgiveness and moving forward isn’t possible, and you should move on.

    • Sara Bee Sara Bee says:

      I disagree Vanna, just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean the trust is automatically reinstated!
      If there was a previous indiscretion and the boyfriend intended on trying to build the trust back – I’d expect complete transparency – if you have nothing to hide then what’s the big deal!?

    • Vanna Brule Vanna Brule says:

      For how long? Forever?

      I think that’s an incredibly unhealthy way to live, for both parties. I also think it’s the main reason that relationships rarely work once someone has been u faithful.

      I know I personally couldn’t deal with constant suspicion and worry, nor could I live with someone constantly questioning me.

      If there’s no trust, there’s no strength to your relationship. I feel like if someone makes the decision to forgive, they have to also actively make the decision to trust again. It’s risky, of course, but that’s part and parcel to taking someone back who has been unfaithful. If you dont trust them, you haven’t really forgiven them. Perhaps the solution is to remain separated until you feel you *can* trust them again. Trust isn’t something you build by constantly checking someone’s phone or checking up on their wearabouts. That’s sort of the opposite of giving someone your trust.

      If I made the decision to forgive someone for cheating and then continually felt like they were hiding something like that from me, the relationship would be over. It takes two to rebuild, but you have to come to whatever decisions about how that looks together. It doesn’t mean one person suddenly has all of the power in a relationship and gets to make all of the rules. Clearly this guy doesn’t agree with whatever conditions she’s set up for them in her mind, so it’s over. What else is she going to do? Snoop around and force him into compliance? If she feels like that’s what she needs to “forgive” and he’s not in agreement, we, that’s that, isn’t it?

    • Vanna Brule Vanna Brule says:

      And “the big deal” is that I have the right to my privacy, period. I have the right to expect a certain level of respect and trust in my relationship. I have nothing to hide, but that’s not the point.

    • I would be super annoyed if my so demanded to see my phone, email, whatever, but if it is THAT big if a deal, why not do it? Why make a huge issue out of something that can be solved easily? Op needs some reassurance obviously and her bf could easily help- but he chooses not to. If it was a constant ongoing thing, I’d say time to end the relationship but as a one time thing…sometimes, you have to give your partner what they need.

    • Vanna Brule Vanna Brule says:

      Because pandering to a controlling type of behavior only encourages that behavior to persist.

      I mean, to each their own. If my husband needs something from my phone, he’s welcome to go and get it. I don’t even have a lock on it. I trust him not to snoop.

      But if he specifically asked me to look through my phone because he had some kind of burning distrust in me? No. You don’t get to do that. If you have a question, ask me. You can either take my word for it or not, but i refuse to be in any kind of relationship where I have to constantly prove myself to the other person.

      Like I said, to each their very own, but that kind of dynamic just ain’t for me.

    • I’m not so narcissistic to think that anything about me should be kept private to my spouse. But I have broken her trust before and in order to rebuild that trust I had to/should be transparent. Then again we’ve always known each other’s passwords for everything. Why would I want to hide anything from her? Marriage is about we, not me and her.

    • Vanna Brule Vanna Brule says:

      I never said anything about keeping anything private. I’m extremely open and honest with my husband.

      The difference is that he doesn’t demand to see my phone to try and catch me in a lie. My word is and should be good enough.

      Again, trust is key. If you dont have it, the relationship isn’t worth having, in my opinion.

    • Trust is key, but its earned, not granted just because you exist.

    • Vanna Brule Vanna Brule says:

      I guarantee if you start off a relationship with someone by telling them that in order to gain your trust that you should get to see their phone and read all of their emails, it’s not going to go very far.

      Trust IS earned, but I don’t feel that in order to earn someone’s trust that I’m obligated to allow them to read all of my text messages and emails.

  52. Mine is locked because I have kids and I don’t want them fucking around with my phone

  53. Ron Klatt Ron Klatt says:

    Interesting… I keep my phone locked at all times, not for her but to prevent anyone else from using it. I’m pretty sure she knows my key anyway but a locked phone isn’t always for the one in your life as much as its security to keep others out. At least that’s how I view it. That said there is no past transgression either

  54. once a cheater always a cheater.

  55. Had something similar happen to me. Save yourself time and heartache and break up with him. If he cheated before he’ll do it again and won’t change.

  56. Brett Marie Brett Marie says:

    Red flag!
    Trust your gut.
    Save yourself the serious heart ache.

  57. If you feel it honestly it’s more than likely true. Especially if you think it’s raising a red flag.

  58. Ben Rooks Ben Rooks says:

    If there’s no trust, there’s no relationship

  59. Mandoid Ray Mandoid Ray says:

    If you feel the need to snoop through his life then there’s no trust. With no trust there’s no relationship.

  60. Everyone is entitled to their privacy. However with that said, since he is very secretive about it it could be a red flag to consider. If you move forward with him are you ever going to fully trust him or will this be in the back of your mind. It is a horrible feeling. Trust is a two way street, it not something you just get, you have to earn it and he is not doing that. Even if the small chance that he is being straight with you, you may just be screwing with your head and that’s also a red flag. I would be out the door.

  61. I’ve been in a similar situation and went 6 years with him and a baby only to find out he was cheating on me the whole time! And I know he has and chances are is still cheating on his current girlfriend. My advice would be to trust your gut! If you feel something is wrong it probably is!

  62. Go with your gut. If you feel he’s hiding something he probably is. Me and my fiancé have our phones locked just to protect our own safety if it gets stolen or lost however, we each know eachothers password. We don’t go through them, but we can at any time no questions asked. If you don’t have trust in your relationship, you have nothing. I’m sorry to say but if you’re having to write this post in the first place, I think you have your answer.

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