C*** G*****

Since the breakup I thought I would progressively feel better with time. Honestly, I haven’t arrived to that state of mind and strength I had hoped I would have reached, prior to the start of 2019. I’m still incapable of coherently expressing my true thoughts and emotions. Although this long rant of a message will most likely be left unread, I was compelled to write about the overwhelming feelings I still possess.

My heart felt so much more about him. I considered him to be my first legitimate boyfriend, because he was the first person I genuinely felt like I could be in a committed relationship with. For a moment in time I was deceived into thinking and feeling like I was someone significant. Having someone to hold hands and hug was so blissful. I usually felt alone and at that time I didn’t feel that way. I believed if I had made someone else happy they would make me feel happy too. It was no cure to my long term depression, but at least it was one thing in my life that had helped me for that short period.

Almost every date nights I would have to walk alone in the dark, every time I would cry my eyes out, because I knew something wasn’t right, but I was foolish to continue seeing him. He was never sympathetic for the times he had hurt me and left me in tears. He kept emotionally, mentally and physically hurting me, and I kept forgiving him. He told me he didn’t understand his actions, how wrong it was to treat me this way, but he continued to do them repeatedly. Everything he would say would be contradictory to his actions.

I would always praise and support him and all he ever did was make me feel so low and insecure about myself. He always had this attitude that he thought he was smarter and better than everyone else. If you weren’t useful to him, he would ignore you and if he got what he wanted from you, he would throw you out. Despite the schedule differences, I would be the only one to put the effort into seeing him. Why was I the only one that had to sacrifice their time? Even now, I’m stuck wasting my time helplessly thinking about this disgusting person.

Prior to the break up, he told me to give him a week to basically dump me. During this time he ignored me and would say terrible things behind my back to my own friends. I had to hear from my own friends that stringing me along until he was done using me was his ex and his way of making themselves feel better about themselves. What kind of therapist recommends this kind of action? A normal person would just confront the other and say they want to break up. However, these two sociopaths decided before he would break up with me it was necessary to spread terrible things to my own friends and to intentionally physically, mentally and emotionally hurt me in the last night with him. He intentionally wanted to leave me hurt more than I should have been if he had just broken up with me like a normal person.

I thought about all the different approaches I could do when I got the chance to confront him in person. I wanted to take my apology back and scream at his face, about how much of a fucking disgusting, sociopathic, coward he truly was. Instead I was too afraid to stand up for myself and I wasn’t even given the chance to criticize him for his poor actions, because he hid from me like the coward he truly was. He told me to wait, but I couldn’t wait for him to treat me like shit again. He got away with me apologizing to him and he never even apologized on his own terms.

My thoughts and actions were too naïve. I came to a full realization that this person never had any intentions of reciprocating those same feelings and even worse, wanted to hurt me, because it was a sick game to him and his “ex” (he claimed he had an ex, but had I known he was lying and he was already dating someone else, I wouldn’t have wasted my time trying to love him). This person would do anything to get what he wanted, even it meant hurting another person. He understood the development of my feelings toward him and took that as an opportunity to exploit me. I believed his shallow words, forgave him countless times, then ended up brainwashed, broken hearted and in mental turmoil.

I tried so hard to suppress these feelings and terrible memories, but every time I have told myself “it was ok” I felt as if I have only lied to myself. Those memories and feelings still exist, and I want them to go away. I still feel as if I’m removing knives from the person who back stabbed me. The general advice is to “just forget”. If it were that easy then it is evident that I am not as strong as everyone perceives me to be. Even though he was an overall terrible person who got away with hurting me, I feel like giving up my feelings for someone I truly came to love and care about with all my heart has truly been the most depressing and loneliest feelings I have ever felt. I had hope and had saved my heart, only meant for one person in a relationship. Both were simultaneously broken by the same person, because they thought it was part of their fun game. Why did this have to be the first person I truly had feelings of love for?

Enabling someone to determine my happiness was a foolish mistake. It was demeaning to allow someone to define my value as a person. My only aspiration now is to move forward, because that is the only hopeful thing I can do. I want to believe that my happiness can only be achieved through my thoughts and actions and no one else.


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15 Responses

  1. The second you catch him in a lie, or he speaks down to you dump him. Trust me you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. Never allow yourself to fall in love until you know him, really know him like months. Its easier for you to walk away that way. Be smart, be picky and have fun. Lots of nice guys out there just be on your toes cause there are lots of not so nice too.

  2. Ruth Beter gives very good advice. Most of all though you need some lessons in self esteem and how to identify a man who doesn’t respect you. So many of them like to tear women down, but the good ones are out there. A start – look in the mirror every day & tell yourself what you value in yourself. Get your friends together & have them tell you what they liked about you. Good Luck. — Respect is the key.

  3. Greif counselling was recommended to me

  4. Sonja Mac Sonja Mac says:

    Keep this to refer to in the future, you have literally just written the answer to every bad relationship you are going to have for the rest of your life. Or, if you can read between your lines, you won’t.

  5. Mercedes says:

    Its very hard to handle and im sorry u are going thru this!
    Your feelings took the words right out of my mouth, I stayed and forgave for 7 years as he had mental health issues that I thought i would be able to handle and help him deal with and I felt like giving up on him would be abandoning him and I truly could not have hurt him like that.
    We finally ended in 2016 and im still not over it

  6. Ruth Beter Ruth Beter says:

    This is what I would do , first get a chair, and pretend your boyfriend is sitting in that chair, then get another chair and place it in front of that other chair, have a seat and proceed to tell that other person whatever you want to say to him, scream, cry, swear, whatever you need to do and then take every memory of him and throw it all away, shred it, throw it in the dumpster, erase every memory you have ever had of him and then walk away from all of that, memories and all

  7. I completely understand the heartbreak. My boyfriend left me on new years day, and basically was blaming me for all of it. Making me out to be some terrible monster, when really all i did was fall in love with someone battling démons in his head. Someone incapable of truly loving me. I am also 10 weeks pregnant. He hasnt spoke to me since. But everyday it gets better… Realize your self worth and DONT settle for anything less. Keep your head held high. Showing him you are depressed and upset is allowing him to win. Show him your better than that, be happy. Be positive and Youll attract a REAL man. Stay strong girl!

  8. Burn letters are a thing.

  9. LaDonna May LaDonna May says:

    I am recovering from someone’s actions which are exactly as yours. Except in addition I was assaulted. I had to flee. It makes the healing no different than yours. Becoming one and becoming whole is very difficult. I will give myself years to become the person I was before he manipulated and molded me into the person he wanted me to be. I look forward to meeting that girl.

  10. We could start our own girls help club! With all thr bullshit losers I’ve put so much time and effort and finances into just to get walked on, strung along and taken advantage of.

    Girl your feelings are all VALID. The way you were treated was wrong and monstrous.

    Now you need to focus on rebuilding yourself. Don’t rush for anyone else to valadate you. Recenter. Find your happiness within. Cry. Scream. Talk to someone or start a journal. Let it out! Dont hold onto any of it!

    God speed and enjoy the rest of what 2019 has in store for you. 🙂 Make things happen for you!

  11. But what did you learn? So much!!! Now grow from it.

    I’ve been here and I know it hurts deep. Time will heal give it time. Small steps forward heal your heart and embrace the lessons you’ve learned. The harder the fall the more time and work to heal.

    Look up false flame twin ❤️

  12. Tara Boucher Tara Boucher says:

    You should check out this site. Sounds like your ex is a narcissist

  13. Seek help/counselling.

    You have to find a way to fill you own needs. Its okay to want someone, but not ‘need’ them. If you ‘need’ them to vaildate you – theres something wrong. Work on yourself.

    Hopefully years from now, you can look back and be thankful you dodged that trainwreck.

  14. Tannis Fong Tannis Fong says:

    Onward and upwards. And somewhere along the way you will find strength and believe in yourself. I suggest therapy and a chat with your doctor as well. Good luck!

  15. Yes move forward! Find someone who deserves you! Everyone deserves better than be just be strung along

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