Since the breakup I thought I would progressively feel better with time. Honestly, I haven’t arrived to that state of mind and strength I had hoped I would have reached, prior to the start of 2019. I’m still incapable of coherently expressing my true thoughts and emotions. Although this long rant of a message will most likely be left unread, I was compelled to write about the overwhelming feelings I still possess.
My heart felt so much more about him. I considered him to be my first legitimate boyfriend, because he was the first person I genuinely felt like I could be in a committed relationship with. For a moment in time I was deceived into thinking and feeling like I was someone significant. Having someone to hold hands and hug was so blissful. I usually felt alone and at that time I didn’t feel that way. I believed if I had made someone else happy they would make me feel happy too. It was no cure to my long term depression, but at least it was one thing in my life that had helped me for that short period.
Almost every date nights I would have to walk alone in the dark, every time I would cry my eyes out, because I knew something wasn’t right, but I was foolish to continue seeing him. He was never sympathetic for the times he had hurt me and left me in tears. He kept emotionally, mentally and physically hurting me, and I kept forgiving him. He told me he didn’t understand his actions, how wrong it was to treat me this way, but he continued to do them repeatedly. Everything he would say would be contradictory to his actions.
I would always praise and support him and all he ever did was make me feel so low and insecure about myself. He always had this attitude that he thought he was smarter and better than everyone else. If you weren’t useful to him, he would ignore you and if he got what he wanted from you, he would throw you out. Despite the schedule differences, I would be the only one to put the effort into seeing him. Why was I the only one that had to sacrifice their time? Even now, I’m stuck wasting my time helplessly thinking about this disgusting person.
Prior to the break up, he told me to give him a week to basically dump me. During this time he ignored me and would say terrible things behind my back to my own friends. I had to hear from my own friends that stringing me along until he was done using me was his ex and his way of making themselves feel better about themselves. What kind of therapist recommends this kind of action? A normal person would just confront the other and say they want to break up. However, these two sociopaths decided before he would break up with me it was necessary to spread terrible things to my own friends and to intentionally physically, mentally and emotionally hurt me in the last night with him. He intentionally wanted to leave me hurt more than I should have been if he had just broken up with me like a normal person.
I thought about all the different approaches I could do when I got the chance to confront him in person. I wanted to take my apology back and scream at his face, about how much of a fucking disgusting, sociopathic, coward he truly was. Instead I was too afraid to stand up for myself and I wasn’t even given the chance to criticize him for his poor actions, because he hid from me like the coward he truly was. He told me to wait, but I couldn’t wait for him to treat me like shit again. He got away with me apologizing to him and he never even apologized on his own terms.
My thoughts and actions were too naïve. I came to a full realization that this person never had any intentions of reciprocating those same feelings and even worse, wanted to hurt me, because it was a sick game to him and his “ex” (he claimed he had an ex, but had I known he was lying and he was already dating someone else, I wouldn’t have wasted my time trying to love him). This person would do anything to get what he wanted, even it meant hurting another person. He understood the development of my feelings toward him and took that as an opportunity to exploit me. I believed his shallow words, forgave him countless times, then ended up brainwashed, broken hearted and in mental turmoil.
I tried so hard to suppress these feelings and terrible memories, but every time I have told myself “it was ok” I felt as if I have only lied to myself. Those memories and feelings still exist, and I want them to go away. I still feel as if I’m removing knives from the person who back stabbed me. The general advice is to “just forget”. If it were that easy then it is evident that I am not as strong as everyone perceives me to be. Even though he was an overall terrible person who got away with hurting me, I feel like giving up my feelings for someone I truly came to love and care about with all my heart has truly been the most depressing and loneliest feelings I have ever felt. I had hope and had saved my heart, only meant for one person in a relationship. Both were simultaneously broken by the same person, because they thought it was part of their fun game. Why did this have to be the first person I truly had feelings of love for?
Enabling someone to determine my happiness was a foolish mistake. It was demeaning to allow someone to define my value as a person. My only aspiration now is to move forward, because that is the only hopeful thing I can do. I want to believe that my happiness can only be achieved through my thoughts and actions and no one else.