I don’t know what else to do
I am desperate. I work out every day at home. 35 min zumba and at least a half hour on the elliptical daily, walk the kids to school and back, always have loads to do at home so it’s not like i sit around much… I am on MyFitnessPal and count my calories daily. I don’t eat junk food, I cook every day. I don’t drink pop, just one coffee a day. Some days I will have one slice of toast but that’s not every day. I just can’t seem to lose any weight, I am actually gaining weight.
I am in tears writing this. I don’t care about society beauty standards, i don’t want to feel beautiful in this body because this isn’t the image of me that i have in my head. I don’t want to be a model, after two pregnancies and at my age it’s impossible. But I do want to lose weight before i hit obesity.
I have fibromyalgia and sciatica but still work out because the more i move the better I feel. I have two kids, one with special needs, the other one on the list to be assessed, so my time is VERY limited. I try my best but I can’t seem to be getting anywhere. I am so depressed looking at myseld in the mirror brings me to tears. I don’t initiate sex because I am ashamed of making my husband perform when what i have to offer isn’t what I would call desirable (what he thinks is irrelevant, this is how I feel, he doesn’t even know any of this) I am a housewife so paid monthly memberships are not the best thing for my budget right now… a gym membership would steal a lot of my time and housework would go to shit (it already happens since I started working out for one hour at home, dishes sit in the sink and everything is delayed) i know this all sounds like excuses but i just can’t figure out a way to make things work because i’m too sad and depressed and busy being a wuss and pitying myself and i don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to stop the horrible, demeaning things i tell myself constantly.
I know my worth, I know my value but I can’t stop the damn voice in my head… I can’t tell anyone because they all dismiss me telling me I’m not fat. I am fat, I’m 5’4 and 170 pounds. I am desperate…and also incoherent, sorry about that.