Drama in my LGBT group

I was a part of an LGBT group a while back. An androgynous member I barely know (they’ve messaged me a couple times prior to briefly talk) asking if I would be open to starting a long distance relationship. I told them thanks, but I wasn’t interested. They got defensive immediately and started to ask whether or not it was because they were non-binary. It’s a bad conversation when someone wants to know why you aren’t interested. I said that I barely know them and I’m not attracted to them. It blew up from there. I was called transphobic and all sorts of names.

A mutual friend messages me and asked if the accusations were true. Take the male or female label out of the equation, I feel like genitals matter when they’re trying to have an intimate relationship with me. I am not attracted to breasts/vagina. Their gender is their business, but that’s my personal sexual preference. I was not misgendering them, they were just not someone I wanted to have a intimate relationship with. My friend was fairly nice but said I was reducing people to their genitals.

I’m sorry, but at what point does my sexual preferences stop mattering? Why should I have to learn to like vagina because someone wants to date me? At what point do I need to make myself sexually available to anyone just to prove I am not a terrible person? I am not comfortable with breasts/vagina on a sexual level. I would never ask someone to change for me. Everyone in my group knows about the interaction and it has destroyed my reputation in the group. Everyone is putting words into my mouth and it feels like I can’t even stand up for myself without someone dismissing what I have to say with an insult. I left the group and haven’t talked to anyone since.

If I told a cishet I wasn’t attracted to them sexually and they started to argue with me everyone in this group would laugh at the fragility of the cis ego. Why is it any different for a trans person? This whole interaction has left me very uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have to explain why mutual attraction matters in a healthy relationship.

The general feel of group is like my sexuality/desires stop mattering in the face of being accessible to someone else. It has been weighing on me. Has anyone ever experienced something similar? Was there a better way to handle the situation?


Note: This is not an open invitation for trans hate, so don’t. Please be civil.



20 Responses

  1. While I have never been in this situation I will say if you’re not interested, you’re not interested. For whatever reason.
    This person won’t take your answer for what it is and is trying to make a soap opera out of it, where none exists.
    We are just not interested in everyone. It sucks when one of us is and the other isn’t. Although in this case, this person isn’t running with all cylinders, so if you’d said yes, heaven help you down the road.
    IMO of course.

  2. Your sexual preferences and attraction DOES matter. And is kind of the whole point isn’t it? It’s one thing to say “I don’t want to be friends with you because of your genitals” and it’s another thing entirely to say “I’m not interested in a relationship with you.” You don’t need to explain yourself. It’s really irrelevant. NO ONE owes anyone an explanation as to why they don’t want to be involved romantically with another person.

  3. Spazzes are EVERYWHERE. Any group you can think of at all there will always be “those” people. Politics, fashion, parents, Facebook, food people…on and on and on…and on…

  4. You don’t need to explain to anyone why you aren’t u aren’t interested in having a relationship with them.. your not Interested.. end of story

  5. You are attracted to whom you are attracted to. It could just also be that you weren’t attracted to this person at all regardless of anatomy. Expecting you to forego your personal needs and comfort with the expectation of people pleasing is abuse. Good for you for retaining your boundaries. Some people just don’t get that and really it’s their problem, not yours. Unless there was some sort of miscommunication, that group doesn’t come across as healthy. Also, the person who you turned down may also just be very frustrated and their anger sounds completely misplaced. You don’t owe anyone an explanation why you don’t want to be with them.

  6. It’s no different than saying you’re not attracted to brunettes, or people shorter than you. Everyone has preferences. It seems pretty obvious that this group has some issues they need to work out. Someone getting that defensive over you not wanting to date them has some serious self-issues, and that’s not your problem.

    It sounds like you did everything you could, and in the right way. We can’t always please others, but we have a right to our own choices for whatever makes us happy. I wouldn’t give it another thought; it’s their problem and not yours.

  7. Terri Bee Terri Bee says:

    Your body your choice, if you’re not attracted to B&V then don’t date them, and never feel like you have to in order to please others. Life’s too short for that shit, be yourself and live your life to be happy, don’t feel the need to alter your attraction to make others happy.

  8. I am sorry you had this horrible interaction. It’s not any fault of your own. You are allowed to be attracted to whomever you are. And no one can say anything about it

  9. I don’t think you even need to justify yourself. If you aren’t interested, you aren’t interested. End of story.

  10. I experienced something similar when I wanted to talk about domestic violence against men. I was therefore oppressing women, and was ostracized by so-called friends. Taught me they are insane and I’m better off avoiding those types of people who are so extreme in their ideology they can’t have a rational debate and resort to psychological violence against you.

    • And domestic violence does happen against men – I think the reason you got ganged up is because for centuries men got away with violence against women. Women are starting to find their voices and are saying they are not going to put up with that crap. But some women have swung the pendulum too far and are beating the crap out of men. A lot of people just don’t want to believe that women can batter women as well. From my family research, I think one of my great grandfather’s was battered and another great grandfather was a batter.
      Because of people’s disbelief that men can be battered, they should have their own support group. A battered woman is just too broken to have much empathy for a battered man.

  11. You shouldn’t have to justify yourself, for your sexual preference, to anyone. There seems to be a lot of transphobic claims in the lgbt community lately. It’s getting old fast. If you aren’t interested in dating a transgender, you’re instantly labeled transphobic. Yet if you’re not interested in a straight person you’re not considered heterophobic. Go figure.

  12. I had to google a few terms here, not going to lie. Lol.
    Of course it matters whether someone has a penis or vagina and which one you want. That would be like someone calling me names and being nasty because I’m attracted to men. Whatever sex your attracted to is what you are attracted to. Don’t even bother with people like that. They suck the life out of you. Live your life the way you want.

  13. You don’t owe anybody an explanation or reason to justify why you are not into them- you’re either into someone or not, and that’s just the way it is.

    The topic of preferences for specific primary/secondary sex characteristics is a very contentious topic in the trans community. Personally, my belief is that it’s a totally legitimate thing that some people only find certain primary/secondary sex characteristics attractive, and it seems like the subjective expeiences of most people confirm this.

    With my own experience of gender dysphoria, I feel so distressed and disgusted with certain features of my own body that I can’t even look at it in the shower because it makes me so uncomfortable, and if my own body causes such a strong aversive reaction for myself, I can understand why others would also find it averse from an attraction standpoint. For example, things like facial hair/stubble are a dealbreaker for me when it comes to attraction to others, because when I feel that rough texture on someone’s face it’s a big trigger for me since it reminds me that still suffer from that problem myself.

    As a trans person myself, I can relate to the angst feelings that arise when physical traits that cause feelings of disgust toward’s one’s own body are also a part of why others find you undesirable, but that is still no excuse for not showing any respect for another person’s boundaries. As much as it really sucks and it’s a double whammy to self esteem when the “bad” body parts are not only a problem for oneself, but for others as well, I can understand why that is. If I feel so uncomfortable about the “bad” body parts I have, I can understand why others would also feel averse to it and I respect that even though the rejection makes me so bad.

    At this point I think the best thing to say is something like, “Hey there, I don’t have any mutual feelings for you. Have you ever had someone offer you a cupcake, and even though there was nothing wrong with that cupcake and it looked perfectly fine, you declined the offer for no other reason you just didn’t feel like having a cupcake? That’s kind of how I feel about your proposition right now. I don’t want you to think that me not having mutual feelings means that you are undesirable, the fact of the matter is that I’m simply not feeling it, and I don’t owe you any reasons why, and you need to respect my boundaries.”

  14. Some people like vag, some people like peen, some like boobs, some like bbw, hell some people even like getting pooped on. Sexual preference is a very personal thing. I don’t care what label you want to put on me if I don’t find you attractive too bloody bad.

  15. Cori Duhamel Cori Duhamel says:

    Wtf…. pressuring someone to like a certain gender or type of person is exactly like people pressuring you to be straight when you’re not! No difference! Everyone is allowed to have preferences.

  16. Lonnie Beal Lonnie Beal says:

    ah first world problems…


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