Everything feels too much
I am not asking for handouts or anything “poor me I want things”. I am simply frustrated and need somewhere to talk that does not judge or know me.
I feel like everything is too much. I have been juggling sudden health issues and surgeries with a full time job and young kids. All of a sudden last week I felt it was all crashing. I did everything from attending my kids activities to everyone’s laundry yet it is such a struggle to make myself get out of bed.
I don’t know if my husband is being a jerk or I am just in that mood to pick on everything. He saw me standing in our bathroom with scissors. I cut a big chunk off my hair. Usually I have very long nice hair but I wanted to chop it all off NOW. So he did listen to me cry then I made an appointment to see someone and asked him to come with me. In first 10 min, the woman said everyone feels sad or down sometimes and this season it’s common so no big deal. I felt worse after that, like if others feel it, its nothing. I told my husband that I wish I was not alive, I hate the world, I hate myself. All he said is get past it cause its common so you and others feel it and stuff needs to be done we don’t have time to cry over being down.
Maybe he is repeating what he heard but I called him a jerk and spent the night on the floor of our bathroom so I can be alone.
Next day he is mad at me for “still crying” because he thought he already comforted me so why are you not done feeling like this yet?
I don’t know why. I have never been depressed in my life before. I have handled big stuff. There is no big issues going on but I just don’t want to get out of bed. I want to stay under warm covers or I wish I never woke up.
I am against suicide so it’s not a worry. I spent all my extra money on the psychologist so I don’t have the time or money to see anyone else. Please don’t say “pm me” because I won’t. Nothing personal but I want to stay anonymous. I am not member of any religious places and I will never be again. Long story on that. I have only confided in one friend – who also told me that being depressed is normal this season so its all good and goes away on its own. It doesn’t and I expected more from people I have been there for in the past.
I don’t want things. I don’t want life. But I have to because I need to be a mom, wife, have a job and have a normal life. How do I get back to it? It feels like a sudden nervous breakdown that is getting darker and deeper and I am drowning more each day. Thanks for listenimg to me whine.