I am embarrassed to admit it. I know, hiding behind anonymous post is not classy but I am so ashamed.
My life was going normal. I am a 30’s year old mom with 2 kids. A while ago I lost my parents. I cared for them till the end. The funeral expenses drained my savings. And I went swimming in grief. I hide it well, nobody knows. I tried counselling but got dismissed as they are not my mom and dad biologically. To me, they are people who raised me. I tried antidepressants but due to a reaction I can’t have them.
Then I had an accident. I saw my child falling and I jumped to save her. In that, I damaged my left side of the body. I have been living in pain for a long time. I lost one foot and more to lose with time.
During all the hospital stays, I had no money so I went on income support. But the overdue utilities, student loans – they paid them. I got AISH disability but those payments were put on as debts so they are taken off my monthly amount. I fought it and lost.
So I get $950 a month for the family. It barely covers rent, utilities, school fees.
I am trying to work. I am doing direct sales as I can do some of it from bed on very bad days. I don’t drive. That money helps a little with food but not enough.
I feel like I am drowning. Grief is there. I have no other family. I feel alone. And I feel like life is becoming harder and harder. Simple things like making dinner for my kids – financially I can barely afford it. And physically I am in so much pain after 10 min of standing by the stove. I want to give them nice normal meals, even spoil them with desserts and holidays. I can’t even find clothes within budget.
I am sorry to whine. There are others worse off. I would never end life because I have children but I feel defeated by everywhere I turn and nothing seems to give hope of better.