If I die tonight.
I’m sorry. For every single life that I affected and therefore, hurt.
But most of all, L**** and B****, yours.
B, I shouldn’t have hit you. No one should ever hit you. Don’t let them. Your daddy will help you.
L, you cried until you had huge red bags under your eyes. I remember crying like that when I was a child. Wishing that someone had helped me. Feeling betrayed by everyone that was supposed to take care of me.
I should not have done it. It was not your fault.
This is not your fault.
I thought that I could do better. It turns out, I couldn’t.
I’m so sorry.
That will never be enough.
If this doesn’t kill me, tomorrow I will buy a new bottle of anti depressants. A new bottle of tylenol. I want to die.
It’s not because of you.
Dear God, if there was a reason to live, it was always and all you. Please, please, please, choose to live. You have so much to offer the world. You are so full of light.
I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you.
It’s ok to hate me.
Please go to therapy.
Please talk about it.
Please rage. Please cry. Or don’t. Whatever you need, please do or don’t do.
I love you.
Please know that you meant everything to me.