I need help figuring out why I keep feeling guilty.
I dated a guy years ago (at least 15 years ago). It wasn’t serious and when I wanted more, he wasn’t ready and we just drifted apart. But we stayed in touch casually (like a hello on facebook). Also we have mutual work but different locations so once every few months we see each other.
I’ve been married over 10 years. My husband knows this is my ex. The other day we were bringing things to store at my ex’s home. Another coworker bailed last minute so it was just me and him. Out of nowhere he said he regrets not being with me and when we were dating, he found out he is not able to have kids and knew I wanted a big family so he tried to act like he didn’t want more than casual thing so I would break up with him. And that happened, I found a good man and we have a family. So I said I guess everything worked out for the best as I found the right one for me. I know he never married so I said I hope he finds the right one too.
Then suddenly he kissed me. Not a quick one but he pinned me against the wall and it was this intense heavy kiss. I never kissed him back but I pulled away after about 3 or 4 seconds because I felt a shock, he never did that before. He mumbled “I’ll do anything to get you back” so I pushed him away. I told him that’s not appropriate, I walked out and I asked my boss to reassign me.
I told my husband as soon as I got home. He said he knows I’d never cheat on him and I shouldn’t feel bad about anything.
I never cheated on my husband and he keeps telling me I did nothing wrong. But I feel guilty. I haven’t slept for 3 days. I keep wondering if I gave any sign or lead him on but I don’t think so. I start falling asleep and the kiss starts playing in my head. I feel guilty so I get up and read a book for a bit. I can’t stop playing that moment in my head. Or wonder if I did anything wrong or he was just a jerk or what. But overall the guilt is driving me crazy. The more I talk to my husband, he says I analyze too much, just let it go as its past. Why am I feeling guilt? Why is the entire situation playing in my head? Am I a bad person or bad wife? Was I even turned on by that kiss (and no, I know as soon as I pushed him off I knew my husband is the only one I want kissing me)