How did I end up here?
I am in a big mess and other than a lot of mistakes, I don’t know how I got here. And I am trying to fix things but I am lost.
I married young and I know my husband had issues after a bit. But we’ve worked on our marriage. Counselling he hates and just stares at the floor and passes out which made me mad. He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with severe anxiety and PTSD. So ok I can deal with him not being able to do counselling.
He also couldn’t budget or make even coffee but we worked on that. He became a “normal” person after a few years. I finally knew I could have kids with him.
Our families are different religion and his didn’t take it well. In the end, my parents died, his family killed them and framed him for it to get us apart. He served time then proved his innocence after an appeal but he has a criminal record anyway. I worked full time while he took odd jobs.
Last 3 years I battled a medical issue. I was told it is terminal and I went into experimental treatments and long hospital life while he took care of kids and home. I was so proud of him and each time he visited, I asked if I can help or if he has any hard time. He said its all going well.
Now I am home. I can’t really walk again but I found a part time job from home. I need a computer for that and mine died beyond repair. I looked at our banking and it was just horrific. He got us into so much debt. He missed several mortgage and property taxes payments. He got 3 credit cards and maxed them out.
I told him I need a computer to work and he showed me I can spend $150. When I said it is not realistic based on what I need, he said that’s all we got. I looked over everything. Yes he’d forget a payment then try to catch up but penalties became too big. And he got more and more behind. There is no money to pay our kids school fees (I talked to schools, they are letting me do it in parts). Our son’s birthday party had to be cancelled. Our daughter’s dance classes had to be cancelled. He bought everyday stuff but not the way we budgetted. Just walk in store and get whatever, no budget or plans.
I am mad he got a nice camera. He said he was thinking of our daughter, filming her performances. But he never checked with me, its a large amount, he got it on credit and now selling it is not working, I tried.
I couldn’t even close the credit cards as he got them all in his name. Set up passwords.
I am so angry. He said he was struggling but doctor told him not to upset me. But how is this better? I return home and from having finances on track, we are now in debt.
I feel like an abused wife. Is that weird? He did things without me. Yes I agreed but we had a trusted budget and he didn’t follow it. I never agreed to cards, amazon membership and the small things he got that add up to thousands of dollars that are not need but impulse shopping. He changed our banking info so I don’t wven have new cards or passwords.
Yes I did change cards by adding myself onto them. I made deals with schools to pay fees slowly through the year. I am trying to make an agreement with the bank and taxes to make up the owed amounts. But I am drowning. Can’t sell house due to now liens on them. Plus with almost no mobility, I depend on him for daily help. Even to bring me a glass of water from kitchen. I am so mad I tried to shower myself and slipped.
I know he won’t do counselling. Not that we can afford it. All I have is my phone. No friends or family. I need a good computet to keep the job and he thinks I am being impossible saying $150 isn”t going to cut it.
I don’t want to throw away 23 years of marriage. That’s not my values but I am not sure it can be saved. He keeps saying we can fix things. Yet he just went in for hernia surgery yesterday and I am working but barely. He can’t get the physical jobs anymore. I can’t catch up on debts. I did an online meeting with Money Mentors and they said they have nothing they can suggest to help. So I am in this position. And today I lost my temper and I realized I snapped at the kids. Which is totally against everything for me.
Do I walk away ? If so how? I have kids, and part time job barely so child tax is it. I can’t sell the house but I put everything on kijiji even my clothes, furniture. Food bank doesn’t even deliver and I have almost no mobility and a lot of medical needs.
Do I stay? Do I value my marriage and try forgiving him? He doesn’t see he did anything wrong.
I want counselling for myself. I am in Hamptons west end and everywhere is too far. I tried YWCA but they are full. My doctor won’t do referral just says call 211 but I can only find walk ins one time.
I’ve never felt so scared of future, so alone and so lost. How did I get here? Did I trust him too much, should I have checked things? I admit I screwed up here but I was fighting for my life literally. I know he didn’t find other women but he put us in a bad position. He should’ve talked to me and he should’ve thought before buying