DYK Post

How did I end up here?

I am in a big mess and other than a lot of mistakes, I don’t know how I got here. And I am trying to fix things but I am lost.

I married young and I know my husband had issues after a bit. But we’ve worked on our marriage. Counselling he hates and just stares at the floor and passes out which made me mad. He was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with severe anxiety and PTSD. So ok I can deal with him not being able to do counselling.

He also couldn’t budget or make even coffee but we worked on that. He became a “normal” person after a few years. I finally knew I could have kids with him.

Our families are different religion and his didn’t take it well. In the end, my parents died, his family killed them and framed him for it to get us apart. He served time then proved his innocence after an appeal but he has a criminal record anyway. I worked full time while he took odd jobs.

Last 3 years I battled a medical issue. I was told it is terminal and I went into experimental treatments and long hospital life while he took care of kids and home. I was so proud of him and each time he visited, I asked if I can help or if he has any hard time. He said its all going well.

Now I am home. I can’t really walk again but I found a part time job from home. I need a computer for that and mine died beyond repair. I looked at our banking and it was just horrific. He got us into so much debt. He missed several mortgage and property taxes payments. He got 3 credit cards and maxed them out.

I told him I need a computer to work and he showed me I can spend $150. When I said it is not realistic based on what I need, he said that’s all we got. I looked over everything. Yes he’d forget a payment then try to catch up but penalties became too big. And he got more and more behind. There is no money to pay our kids school fees (I talked to schools, they are letting me do it in parts). Our son’s birthday party had to be cancelled. Our daughter’s dance classes had to be cancelled. He bought everyday stuff but not the way we budgetted. Just walk in store and get whatever, no budget or plans.

I am mad he got a nice camera. He said he was thinking of our daughter, filming her performances. But he never checked with me, its a large amount, he got it on credit and now selling it is not working, I tried.

I couldn’t even close the credit cards as he got them all in his name. Set up passwords.

I am so angry. He said he was struggling but doctor told him not to upset me. But how is this better? I return home and from having finances on track, we are now in debt.

I feel like an abused wife. Is that weird? He did things without me. Yes I agreed but we had a trusted budget and he didn’t follow it. I never agreed to cards, amazon membership and the small things he got that add up to thousands of dollars that are not need but impulse shopping. He changed our banking info so I don’t wven have new cards or passwords.

Yes I did change cards by adding myself onto them. I made deals with schools to pay fees slowly through the year. I am trying to make an agreement with the bank and taxes to make up the owed amounts. But I am drowning. Can’t sell house due to now liens on them. Plus with almost no mobility, I depend on him for daily help. Even to bring me a glass of water from kitchen. I am so mad I tried to shower myself and slipped.

I know he won’t do counselling. Not that we can afford it. All I have is my phone. No friends or family. I need a good computet to keep the job and he thinks I am being impossible saying $150 isn”t going to cut it.

I don’t want to throw away 23 years of marriage. That’s not my values but I am not sure it can be saved. He keeps saying we can fix things. Yet he just went in for hernia surgery yesterday and I am working but barely. He can’t get the physical jobs anymore. I can’t catch up on debts. I did an online meeting with Money Mentors and they said they have nothing they can suggest to help. So I am in this position. And today I lost my temper and I realized I snapped at the kids. Which is totally against everything for me.

Do I walk away ? If so how? I have kids, and part time job barely so child tax is it. I can’t sell the house but I put everything on kijiji even my clothes, furniture. Food bank doesn’t even deliver and I have almost no mobility and a lot of medical needs.
Do I stay? Do I value my marriage and try forgiving him? He doesn’t see he did anything wrong.

I want counselling for myself. I am in Hamptons west end and everywhere is too far. I tried YWCA but they are full. My doctor won’t do referral just says call 211 but I can only find walk ins one time.
I’ve never felt so scared of future, so alone and so lost. How did I get here? Did I trust him too much, should I have checked things? I admit I screwed up here but I was fighting for my life literally. I know he didn’t find other women but he put us in a bad position. He should’ve talked to me and he should’ve thought before buying



31 Responses

  1. Ellie Marie Ellie Marie says:

    Um sell the stuff he bought without consulting and pay off the debts. Not hard.

  2. Am I the only one who thinks that in an abusive relationship, women stay despite all the “right” and “logical” reasons to leave.

    Especially when there are medical issues involved or depending fully on a spouse emotionally or financially. It is easy to judge but I can say (from knowing my parents’ marriage) that women will be in a relationship that sounds impossible or fake even.

    It took my mom 18 years to leave. And some things my dad or his family did can sound made up. All I can say is I know how hard it is to convince someone to leave a marriage that is beyond wrong.

  3. Noura Yaghi Noura Yaghi says:

    Every once in a while I read something on the internet that makes me think, holy shit I’m so normal.
    This. This what I read.

  4. Eddie Belzil Eddie Belzil says:

    Is this real life or is this just fantasy.

  5. Nikki Rogers Nikki Rogers says:

    Angela Severight Gage Severight

  6. 23 years is a long time to be dealing with this. Perhaps you need to be looking at a way to get yourself and your children SAFELY out of this situation. Pack up some clothes and get the heck out of there. Clearly after being together for that long, if things aren’t going to change, They wont ever change it seems, Not if he won’t accept some form of help. You aren’t going to be any good to your children, if you are unable to get well either, and clearly this is a lot on your plate. Please take care and be safe

  7. Even with liens you can still sell the house. The only trouble would be if the total amount owing on all the liens is greater than the value of the property. How did you change credit cards? Even by putting yourself on them (which you can’t do, only the primary can make changes to the account) it would be up to your husband to ask for a break from the company. In light of your financial situation I would suggest going to credit counseling. They will guide you in the right direction. This story, real or not – hard to say, is a good reminder of why savers and spenders should never be together. Also, contrary to popular belief, you cannot fix a broken person.

  8. Shelley Dee Shelley Dee says:

    You are trying to rehabilitate a broken human . Your life reflects this . When someone shows you whom they are believe them the first time . Never bargain hunt for a life partner

  9. Hanna Garvey Hanna Garvey says:

    His family…killed your parents??? Whoa.

  10. Tracy Tracy Tracy Tracy says:

    Wait, what? He has a record but was found innocent? Yeah right….he killed who????
    Also, takes some time for all that to go sideways…..i think you are blaming him for everything.

  11. Jen Pratt Jen Pratt says:

    Take in boarders to make some money? At least that could cover your mortgage. Do not let him choose them.

    You are a decent writer, perhaps you could pick up extra money that way? Blog, editing, etc. Check out HitRECord.

    I’m not surprised that you feel like an abused wife. That whole situation is crazy, and demoralizing, and he is not taking any responsibility. He seems to be an overgrown man-child.

  12. Okay once I read “his family killed my parents” if you strongly.believe that why did you put up with him and his family afterwards? This story is just too insane.

  13. I think you should leave, he seems like he is doing more harm than good. It is definitely your call though. I hope everything works out for you.

  14. I dont even know where to start but I am glad you are alive, he is alive, the kids are too. Many marriages are torn due to finances and as much as I dont believe in divorce sometimes financially speaking you part ways. You became ill and he took over, from my experience men arent great with managing finances especially if the woman has taken on that role. What is important is that the kids are okay. You have life. Money issues suck but you must still perservere. It was irresponsible for him to spend like he did but he did his best Im sure. 23 years of marriage is something to be proud of. We all hit bumps in the road on our lifes journeys. If you are this low then just know there is no way out but going up. One day at a time.

  15. If you’re terminally ill you may not be able to resolve all these issues. Focus on what is important. Forget the debts and credit cards and focus on yourself and your children. Get them in counselling and prepare them for the inevitable. Think about who would be the best guardian for them. It’s so sad and unfortunate to think how much you have on your plate. Thanks the time you have left and spend it wisely.

  16. Please call ACCESS 24/7
    780 424 2424.
    I hope you are able to find the help you need. Try to ignore all the judgmental responses. Keep focused on your future and your wellness.

  17. Tom Kinakin Tom Kinakin says:

    You’re seriously asking for advise.
    Try marrying someone for who they are rather who you can train them to be.
    Beyond that it’s all on you.
    Write a book about it and go on Dr.Phil.

  18. Lisa Watkins Lisa Watkins says:

    Umm wow. His family killed yours, and you stayed? You were in hospital and he pretty much ruined everything…and you stayed? He has a criminal record, yet was found not guilty? Strange but ok. Seriously woman. Read your own post! You seriously think 23 years of marriage trumps all that shit? Do you realize that kids know more than they think they do…they pick up on everything. Give your head a shake. Seriously. Call social services and demand to be seen asap. Tell them the truth and the whole truth and get the hell out. Love doesnt heal all and your “values” went out the window long ago. I am sure there is more but we can only reply based on what you’ve provided but holy hell. Get out, get the medical and financial help you need and give your kids a better environment, not one where their mother is a doormat.

  19. Play dumb games, win bad prizes.

  20. Who gets 3 credit cards??
    How rediculous…

  21. I really think money is the least of your worries. His family killed yours? And you stayed with him? And his family is still around? No wonder he thinks he can do as he pleases without checking with you.

  22. Jackie Neil Jackie Neil says:

    His family killed your parents and your upset about money?? What about yours and your childrens safety??! This all sounds insane.

  23. Way too long to read. Sounds like you got yourself into deep drama.

  24. Nicola Robak Nicola Robak says:

    if his religion is muslim youd best get out as hes already shown is disrespect to you and his family killed yours that is not a religion it’s a political agenda and they have no respect for women get out now

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