DYK Post

How to save a broken relationship?

I’ve been with my spouse for 2 1/2 years, we’ve known eachother for over 10. We have a child together, who is still an infant.

I recently found out my spouse had a relationship with another woman online, said he loved her, told her we were separated and I was crazy and a terrible mother. When confronted he just treated me like I was delusional. He claims he ended it, thatt it meant nothing and it was no big deal. He definitely minimized the situation. At first he talked about leaving but stated he didn’t want to. So I told him let’s work on our relationship then.

Obviously something is lacking if he had the need to go elsewhere. He won’t attend counseling at this time, he won’t discuss any aspect of our relationship, I feel hurt, and disconnected from him.

Other than counseling, how do I save our relationship? How do I move on from what he’s done. I don’t bring it up. I don’t talk about it, but it still on my mind and still wreaking havoc in my mind and heart. I know lots will say to leave but I’m not ready to give up yet.



48 Responses

  1. Alexii John Alexii John says:

    My ex husband did this over and over again

    In the end he left with and for another women

    I’m sorry that I have no advice but I can say that I feel you and know where your heart is at

    I hope you the absolute best

  2. You may not be ready to give up but he already has. His blatant disrespect for you now is even more of a sign that he’s only staying because it’s comfortable and convenient.

  3. You don’t move on. You move out.

  4. Frank Yurich Frank Yurich says:

    Like everything else it’s disposable,throw away ,so give it a toss NExT! Or try to fix it ,

  5. Suppressing your feelings on this won’t get you anywhere. And if he’s not willing to meet in the middle it won’t work either. Communication is the only way through this.

  6. Coral Adams Coral Adams says:

    Ohhh my dear, I’m sorry but there is no saving this. This sounds like what I went through but we have 3 children.
    Get counseling, but for yourself to help you be a better person for you and your child and figure out how to make your best life for you both. You need to be able to talk about this before it eats you alive. He won’t change. You need to realize this.

  7. Randi Doucet Randi Doucet says:

    Leave! He not only cheated on you but gaslighted you into thinking it was no big deal! This is NOT okay!!!

  8. Nothing you can do. I tried to save my marriage for years. He finally told me he wasn’t happy, after telling me all the time he was.
    That was deceitful in itself. He didn’t want to find ways to be happy so that was that. Me trying was a waste of time. Love yourself and walk

  9. Two words for you ..

    If he hasn’t been faithful to you up till now…he never will be…
    Once a cheater ..always a cheater

  10. Ashley Marie Ashley Marie says:

    It takes two people to salvage a relationship, so unless you’re both in it, history is bound to repeat itself

  11. I think you know the answer, your just not prepared to move forward with what will become inevitable. Love yourself enough to end it and move on. As hard as that is, but LOVE is never enough. Respect and Honor first which obviously HE has none. Choices have consequences.

  12. Im sorry girl you feel this way i was with my ex for 10yrs found out he was online and when at work up north cheated on me i tried to make it work but then i thought why its not me. I needed to better myself and the kids which we had 3 i went to see a counsellor and got my kids in it to at school. What you do shows to your kids no matter What and you will always be wondering if he is still doing it or not its no way to live a life. Just think about it if you would like someone to talk to you can pm me i wont judge and will listen it is your life but the signs are all there hun you nees to fix your own life not his. We all know what you are going through so reach out talk to one of us women or go see someone for yourself.

  13. Leah Jeanie Leah Jeanie says:

    He has to do the work on saving it not you, seems like you are doing all the work and he has checked out. Work on you, start going into counselling yourself to get your confidence levels up, sounds like to me it’s over and sadly you are trying to hold on. You deserve better

  14. You say you’re not ready to give up, but hon he already has. You need time to realize your relationship is in fact over. Don’t think of it as leaving him think of it as moving forward. Good luck

  15. Samara White Samara White says:

    It takes two to make a relationship work. While you might be willing to work on it, if he is not willing to be open and give you the answers you need to be able to move forward it will not work.
    In order to build that trust again is going to take a very, very long time and in order to do that he has to cooperate, if he doesn’t it will prolong the process, and very possibly never happen.
    You could get over this without going to therapy, but again he would need to be willing to work with YOU. He needs to realize that he broke your trust and he needs to help you regain that.
    If he isn’t willing to do anything about it then in the end he really isn’t sorry and you need to walk away.

  16. Sue Weir Sue Weir says:

    Instead of asking for the opinions of armchair counsellors, perhaps you should try speaking to a certified counsellor who might have the answers you’re seeking. Make an appointment to sit down with someone who is a marriage counsellor and ask the same questions of them. The only thing you’re going to get from asking your questions here, is more confused.
    While it may never solve anything, at least you tried. Only you have the means to make your relationship work. What your spouse did was equal to having an affair (in my opinion) because an emotional attachment to someone is worse than having sex with someone. However, that’s only my opinion.
    I wish you luck.

  17. It doesn’t matter if you’re not ready to end it because he is. Time to move on.

  18. You can’t. Leave. Yesterday. If he’s yours , he’ll come back

  19. Megan Riggs Megan Riggs says:

    I’d leave. Ready or not hun there is no respect and no trust. Without these things the relationship is doomed anyway. You deserve better.

  20. Maria Scales Maria Scales says:

    Been there, done that. Could write a book. Zero steps forward from him and you accepting that means he will continue to cheat. Whether it be emotionally or physically. He doesn’t love you enough to seek help, then you should help him find the door. Your child sees everything. Even when they seem like they don’t, they do. Then the vicious circle repeats itself later because that child sees it as normal behaviour. You are the only one that can stop him. If not, you are in for a world of pain!

  21. Liz Large Liz Large says:

    It’s done. Walk away.

  22. Sabrina Bree Sabrina Bree says:

    Been there. Lost 12 years of my life. What he is doing is a reflection of his inadequacies, not yours. Love yourself enough to realize you deserve much better. If your child was in this situation, would you be okay with someone treating them like this?

  23. You need to do counseling.

  24. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You can stand by your man but know he’s going to do it again. You know deep down what YOU need to do. I’ve known women who have stayed with their partners and have worked it out—whether it’s an open relationship or just living separate lives. Only you know what’s best for you and your child. Hope whatever happens is amicable.

  25. Cameo Lee Cameo Lee says:

    A decision doesn’t need to be made today, or tomorrow, if you’re not ready to do so.
    Don’t be afraid to not want to give up yet. Having said that, I highly recommend detaching with love. That involves finding your joy, working on your self-esteem, getting your financial ducks in a row, living for yourself and living for your child, at least in the immediate future.
    It’s totally okay to not make a decision right now. Find your worth and learn as much about yourself as you can. You are worthy of love and respect. Once you get to that place where you love yourself and respect yourself, you’ll be in a much clearer place to know what to do.
    Just remember, people don’t change unless the pain they feel becomes intolerable. Don’t expect him to change. Change starts with you. You are empowered with all you need to make the life you want for yourself and your child..

  26. The lack of respect he has for you is exactly how much he respects the relationship.

  27. You need to think about what your trying to save here. And reevaluate your worth.

  28. Nicola Robak Nicola Robak says:

    sounds like a narcissist dump his ass you will always be in the wrong and nuts

  29. He stepped outside of the relationship. There is no pass go, there is no collect $200. There’s only get the fuck out. Grow a pair, forget about your insecurities. This is a HIM problem.

  30. The longer that you spend with the wrong one, is the less time you’ll have with the right one.

  31. Arcand Dee Arcand Dee says:

    Leave. He sounds like a selfish person and someone who is selfish will always look out for themself only. You deserve someone who respects you, who doesn’t lie or cheat. Is this what you want to teach your child? To be treated with disrespect? Hun love yourself enough to know that what he’s done will happen again and again. He doesn’t sound like he cares for you.

  32. Lisa Watkins Lisa Watkins says:

    When trust is gone, there is no getting it back. There is no respect on his part towards you if he is going to step out of the relationship and call you names. Get some self respect and some balls and leave. Why would you want your child to learn that type of behavior.

  33. How can you if he isn’t willing to take steps to work on the relationship? No counseling, no frank conversations, no explanations, sharing of feelings.

    Is he staying because it’s safe and comfortable or because he loves you and wants to be with you.

    You don’t need to stay together for children, can learn and balance co-parenting. Lots of parents are better for their kids apart.

    You can get counseling for yourself. It will allow you to reflect on what’s happening and your next steps.

    Sure you could stay…but if one person is doing all the work to keep the relationship going, eventually it won’t be worth it if he isn’t working with you.

  34. The commenters on this post are right. Counseling does not work and your partner is a narcissist. Your best option is to get out of that situation.

  35. Shawna Jones Shawna Jones says:

    He doesn’t respect you or your relationship. Walk away.

  36. has relationship coaching? Maybe that would work instead of counseling? They do offer support for couple with infidelity issues.

  37. You need to go to counseling. You wont change someone else. You can only work on yourself. You dont value yourself right now.

  38. Lan Mewgat Lan Mewgat says:

    Read the book “Getting it through my thick spine” by Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Sounds like there may be some similarities.

  39. Your trust is broken and that’s not really something you can get back. You can become amicable but the trust will never be back. I know you don’t want everyone to say leave but by posting this asking for advice your head truly knows that’s what is best your heart just hasn’t met up with your head yet. Everyone including myself will say leave because you deserve better we are not invested in it as you are but from an outside perspective you deserve someone to walk along side you not putting you down and leaving you behind. It will not be easy but it would be better to be alone than be room mates with a husband because in both scenarios you are alone. The true question is do you want to be alone and eventually happy or alone and always wondering what he is doing? I think you truly know the answer.

  40. I was in your shoes 20 years ago I tried to make it work I tried to forgive and I couldn’t because he kept his bs up he continued to communicate with other woman saying he was single or separated he just got sneakier I fi ally wished up and became a single parent of a 3 yr old but 5 yes later I met a man who treats me like I deserve whatever you decide is your choice good luck

  41. Liz Goodleaf Liz Goodleaf says:

    Agree with above. You’re not “giving up”. Find some self-respect and get out of that relationship for the sake of both you and the kid.

  42. Jenny Pham Jenny Pham says:

    You don’t. You find every and any way to leave him and the only relationship you pursue with him is for your child and you find real happiness with someone who doesnt make you second. End of story.

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