DYK Post

I want to Help Him

I have recently learned that my fiancé doesn’t recall his parents ever telling him that they loved him and doesn’t remember much at all in the way of physical affection. I have met his parents several times (they don’t live here) and they are lovely people. He grew up in a nice home and did not go without.

His parents were certainly not abusive and I can see that they care (his mom always sheds tears when we part ways). I knew they weren’t overly affectionate but I didn’t realize to what extent. He actually asked me at one point if my child was getting a little too old for snuggles (still in elementary school), as he has nothing to gauge off of. What can I do to help him? He seems to be bothered and my heart hurts for him.



14 Responses

  1. Shelley Dee Shelley Dee says:

    He can realize that they did their best . He was treated well . Based on societies ideas at the time . He is a grown up …. time to find the big boy pants

  2. My mom was never comfortable with affection. We knew she loved us, but she never said it. My dad never did either. Its just how it was in my family growing up. We are meals together, vacationed together, workws in the yard or the house together. We had lots of live, just never expressed it in words. Cuddles were reserved for sick days.
    After my mom died, it became really important for me to make sure my dad knows how I feel. Every phone call now ends with “I love you” and every time we see each other there are lots of hugs.
    Ask your child what kind of a relationship they want with both parents, and go from there.

  3. I grew up with a very loving mom, she always told me she loved me, always gave me hugs and always made sure I knew how much she cared about me. She was also VERY strict growing up. My mom grew up in a very unhealthy house and was never showed affection. She made sure to change that for me. With my kids I am the same very loving, always telling my kids how much I love them. Some people grew up in different homes. Some parents sometimes dont see a need to say they love one another simply because they show love in different ways. His mom cries when you guys leave she obviously loves him.

  4. Read the book!
    “The 5 love languages” everyone shows love in different ways!

  5. Sue Topps Sue Topps says:

    Tell him to follow his own heart and never mind what he was denied. He obviously feels he lacked something, so he can in turn ensure his children and wife do no lack the same.

  6. The best thing he can do is live in the moment not in the past or future. If his parents are sweet but not perfect? Then they are normal and he should grow up. I love my imperfect parents for their good side and try my best to understand the reasons for their bad side. We are all just
    Trying to do our best out there

  7. Wondering if he’s just jealous of the child he thinks is too old for snuggles…”because he didnt get enough”. Please.

  8. Karo Li Na Karo Li Na says:

    All you can do now, is to show yourself lots of emotions and talk to him nicely in loving matter. Don’t expect him to be that way…. I was raised without much affection as well. It’s hard to change, but overtime is possible. Be patient, just because you don’t hear it from him doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Pay attention to his actions more.

  9. Is he European? European parents can be like this especially to boys. But i dont know if it has anything to do with the way he is towards his kids, i know people who were in abusive group homes and never had a family that loved them, but smother their own children with hugs and i-love-yous.

  10. Remember it was a different generation, too.

  11. You can’t change the past. Perhaps there are extenuating circumstances you are unaware of? My dad was not affectionate with me until I moved out. Later in life I learned that his dad had sexually abused my sisters/cousins, and perhaps my dad was scared to be affectionate for fear of being accused of the same? I dont know, but he is affectionate with me today. Is your man willing to make the first move to break the ice? Perhaps a hug or kiss on the cheek will start a new chain reaction.

    Also, some ppl just arent affectionate themselves. It would be unfortunate for a parent that falls into this category themselves not to push themselves a bit outside of their comfort zone for the sake of the child, but each person has a different sized “bubble.”

  12. I can get hugs from my dad but he doesnt say I love you. I will get neither from my mom. Neither of them grew up in loving families (they are both in their 80s) so physical affection was not something they ever had. Tell your fiance to look for the ways that they show their love, and bask in that. It sounds like they care very much but just don’t know how to show it or are uncomfortable doing so. It has nothing to do with him personally. As for cuddling children if it makes both of you happy then dont ever quit. Just because you dont get it from one direction, doesnt mean you cant get it from another. Take it where and when you can…lol

    • Oh and just so you know. I know both my parents love me by what they have done for me and how they have been there for me throughout my life. I cherish that they could and still do show me affection the best way they know how.

  13. Alexis Musik Alexis Musik says:

    Wondering if he’s British?

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