I’m a failure of a wife

I’ve been with my husband for eight years and I’m still madly in love with him. I’m thankful for him and make it known. I do work full-time outside the home and we share equal weight in running our home. Team work!
Over the last several months I struggle with immense guilt and feelings of failure and shame. We came into this marriage blending two families with children on both sides. His were older than mine and he basically chose to start over again with helping raise mine as their father wasn’t active in their life. I equally worked on building a friendship and relationship with his kids.

The past several months we have been consumed emotionally and financially when my ex husband filed for custody of our children. The odds of anything happening is slim to none but we’ve still had to hire legal representation and it’s taken a toll of us financially.

I feel like I’m the problem in our marriage, as we had no real problems prior (we disagreed from time to time but never fought). My husband says he doesn’t resent me but savings accounts are being drained drained and credit cards maxed out to pay the mounting legal fees. (Tens of thousands thus far). I feel selfish admitting it but I miss our old life…. When we could afford weekly date nights, a yearly holiday as a family and a couple and when holidays weren’t consumed with the worry of the cost of it all.

My husband has made comments that I don’t doubt are not intentionally meant to be hurtful, but honest. He and his ex wife never struggled with money. Rarely spent anything and saved everything. They also weren’t happy but he felt financially secure as she made a 6 figure salary (as did/does he).
In our marriage, I’m starting to feel like I’ve let him down and I don’t know how to work past these feelings of inferiority. They’re my children but he makes substantially more than me and it’s his hard earned savings being drained. (We qualify for no type of legal aid or subsidies). He says we will get thru this all and be stronger but I’m afraid of him leaving when it’s over because of the stress this has put us under.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by writing this. I just feeling alone and fearful….. fearful that someone is trying to take my kids when I never denied visitation and he was absent for many years. Fearful that my husband will see this as too much and cut his losses. Fearful that I’m slipping into a dark despair and I can’t see any way out.


I am extremely sorry to my husband. I never meant to let him down.



24 Responses

  1. Talk to him …let him know how you feel….

  2. Don’t feel guilt or shame for doing the right thing. You deserve a good partner.

  3. Sounds like your ex is being a vindictive POS. If I had to guess, I’d say he’s only doing all of this to mess with you and it’s working.
    Does he actually want the kids or is he just trying to get back at you? Have you had a deep honest conversation with your husband to see where he’s at for real? He wouldn’t be so heavily invested if he didn’t care.

  4. Jodi Flatt Jodi Flatt says:

    First, you are not a failure. It is difficult for some of us to feel like we’re not doing our fair share, even though there are always times in a marriage where sometimes you give, sometimes you take. There are always bumps in the road, and it sounds like you’re both committed to your family. There are lots of local, cheaper options for date night – take dance lessons, take a baking class, go for walks in different parks with hot chocolate/coffee, volunteer together, donate blood, whatever you can think of. It is super important to keep communicating – always be honest. Financial implications aside, your husband sounds like he is very invested in the children as he has been an excellent role model for them. Rooting for you!!

  5. Let him read this ! You seem very sincere and I feel you will be married a very very long time.

  6. Stop fighting legally, your ex husband is likely only to get a parenting order that is every other weekend or a visit once in a while, so try to mediate that., end the legal stuff as quickly and amicably as possible, and remember Lawyers make money by keeping you in court., and the courts general rule is the children are entitled to a relationship with BOTH parents (whether x was in life in the past or not) if x is standing up now, they will award him visitation so just give it to him and get rid of the lawyers. Talk to your husband, and try to remember there are many out there who have been through the same thing as you are going through so if you need counselling – GO GET IT. Try your best not to make decisions based on fear…accept the worse case scenario, play it out, remove the fear and work back from that. You will have a clearer head and be able to decision make soundly and logically and not fear based.

  7. Jenny Pham Jenny Pham says:

    Tell him. He needs to hear this from you. I wish you all the best for you and your family.

  8. For better or worse

  9. I imagine your husband is emotionally invested in your kids and is also afraid to lose them. He just can’t verbalize this fear. Unless the ex is providing financially for your kids together, take steps for your current husband to adopt them legally. The ex then gives up all rights to the kids. Be proactive!

  10. Shelley Lohr Shelley Lohr says:

    Im sure if you told him over a simple coffee date tell him what your feeling and stop feeling shame for something you have no control over. Sounds like you hubby is an honourable man congratulations you’ll be fine

  11. Brandy Wells Brandy Wells says:

    Take it all one step at a time. Try to make decisions for your kids with realisticexpectations and treat them like the best humans you will ever make and no matter what happens you think with their future in mind. Money comes and goes and spouses to but your kids will love you for being realistic and brave girly youll get through this and failling is a good thing it teaches you what you need to change all my love

  12. Debbie Ward Debbie Ward says:

    The vows are for better or worse. Hang in there.

  13. Counselling hun. And the ex sounds like a pos

  14. Sounds like the only one who is winning is the lawyers.. get rid of them.

  15. Life happens, and it changes in an instant. It sounds to me that you have a very supportive husband who is willing to work through this storm. My best advice for you is to believe him. Stop putting self doubt in your head, you’re only making things worse. If you need a friend feel free to shoot me a message. Good luck.♡

  16. Dia Thurston Dia Thurston says:

    Native Counselling Service provide free services. Reach out to them and see if they can assist you. I’ve in the past assisted Native or not.

  17. Frank Yurich Frank Yurich says:

    First and formost fire your fucking lawyer secondely repersent yourself show the judge what has being done over the last eight years your kids are most likley old enough to make a decision themselfs where they want to be so if your marriage and your homelife is good with all involved do not worry talk to your kids and let them make a deciSion and approch the judge …….quit spending money on the lawyer they are paid liars they get pai+ for lying about your guilt so if there is no quilt as you say then there is no need to pay the liar …….

  18. Been there done that. I have two daughters, my husband two sons. We have been married almost 24 years. At first we were always dealing with stupid stuff in court as well. The only winners are the lawyers and nobody really wins especially the children. Our kids are all grown up now and we have great relationships with them all. It took a while but we kept telling ourselves it will get much better when they are on their own and can make decisions on their own. In the end it all worked out best for us and we could not be happier.

  19. if you need an ear, you can pm me. I don’t think your husband feels like that at all and your own fear is getting the better of you.

  20. Marie says:

    I agree with, Fentisha Boswell December 12, 2017 at 5:43 pm (above)
    and with, Frank Yurich December 12, 2017 at 6:55 pm (above) —
    Have never experienced anything to do with ‘Family’ court matters … however, I can only imagine and would venture to believe that many a sleazy lawyer (and there are many of them) smack their lips to relish playing on the deep emotions of family matters (files) especially where children are concerned! … they’re out there with their cheese graters, grating feverishly at their clients six digit incomes.
    AND the effen court system stinks to boot! It can be misleading and warped on sheer purpose. Rarely do we read/hear about real justice being served. Then if and when we do, it’s Politicians! Most politicians are lawyers! They’re masters at undoing it. That’s why things are so f’d up!
    Suggest as well to seriously consider to;
    #1 Get rid of your lawyer
    #2 Start reading your buns off on anything you can find relating to ‘self-representation’ where family matters like yours are concerned. DIY … read, read, read!!! It’ll take time – you gotta make time.
    #3 Consult with various resources available that may offer some guidance and assistance … and do what you need to do! You can do it!
    Sit down, talk with your current husband – reveal to him, the pain in your soul, your fears – Let it all out.
    If he loves you as much as you love him … you’ll hang in there together throughout it all.
    Keep in mind – What you’re going through … will come to pass one day. Be strong, confident and persevere.
    AND last but not least, the bio-father of your children sounds like a first class dink! You’re providing for and raising your children in a cohesive family environment … so don’t worry, Mr. dink-head doesn’t stand a chance in ruining that.

  21. Show your husband this text!
    You need to share these feelings with him !

  22. You’re a great mom fighting for her kids.

    Honestly, is you have an otherwise healthy relationship, take him at his word.

    Have you considered hiring a mediator with your ex?


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