DYK Post

Marriage questions

Sorry for long post but I am really feeling depressed with every thought swirling in my head. I would truly appreciate opinions. I know it is internet and if you think you are harsh, trust me I am already more harsh on myself.

My husband and I have 19 years of marriage. We didn’t date much, I was pregnant and we got married before our conservative families could find out. They did anyhow and has nothing to do with us. Mine passed away by now and his don’t even live in the province. Our baby didn’t make it. But we did have 2 kids we are proud of.

We don’t have much in common. We have kids. We worked together for a bit then something really tragic happened that left me without mobility. He helped me a lot when Home Care couldn’t.
He is not a showy romantic guy but I push to do things together. We watch tv, movies mostly or shows. Sometimes we have dinner together alone on wednesdays because our kids go to bed earlier. Our one child is a teen but the other is still little. I don’t work and he helps my care and works part time so we are very low income. So we don’t go to restaurants or anything like that, we can’t afford it and have no babysitter. Just once a week dinner if the kids get to bed early.

We always struggle to find what to do, we feel we don’t have much in common. I have tried to sign up for classes or activities – whether it is walking or taking a cooking class or some craft thing at Michael’s. But he hates that. He likes technology computers gaming. I can’t stand that. I try to understand and ask questions and show interest but usually he says playing games is his de-stressing thing. He prefers to play alone. Bills, finances, health are stressful and he likes his time alone for it. I like reading, sports (though due to health I can’t do much of that), art…things he says bore him to death.

We had sex in common. And his new heart medications kill his sex drive. Ironically now mine is way up where I want to do it several times a day. And he has minimum sex drive so maybe once or twice a month. He doesn’t seem to even care about that. I am the one who initiates, he participates. He is done within 5-10 min and falls asleep. If I want to finish alone, he feels hurt. But I try to finish while he can watch – he feels hurt that I am doing it without him. He says it makes him feel not needed. There is no cuddling. Just done, rolls over to sleep and I am awake looking at the ceiling…

I tried to talk to him about that but it is now a sore subject. He has tried different medications, this is what works and we were informed of the side effects. So I do feel a bit frustrated in this area.

But the biggest issue is that other than tv time, we don’t do anything together. I have suggested things and he doesn’t like them. Then he keeps saying we have nothing in common and our frustrations escalate. He says I spoil the evening. But I need more than watching tv. I want more. I don’t know what but feeling closer, more like a couple.
I know his parents did separate things and he sees that as normal so he thinks we are happy. Then says I want more but we have enough. Yes he is right, we have love, we have never cheated on each other, we have been through a lot and make it as a team.

So why do I feel like it is friendship with occasional benefits? Am I beeing greedy? So many out there want to find a partner they love who loves them. To have a committed relationship and a family. I feel lonely, I feel like I am lacking something in us but I also feel guilty to think that way because I have more than others do.

We have gone to counselling. Initiated by me. He feels there is nothing wrong but he agreed. We tried Cornerstone as they are income based so $20 a session was all we could afford. 2nd session he said there is nothing wrong and walked out and refused to come. We tried Catholic social services – same thing, he didn’t want to continue after first session.

We both feel we can’t find things in common and he knows I feel that there is something missing. But he says he doesn’t feel it and he is happy. He wants me to just be happy and I can’t.

I don’t know what to do…or if I am just expecting the impossible. Plus with my mobility issues and financial issues, I think I can’t find any more counselling.



25 Responses

  1. Holly Baines Holly Baines says:

    In order to have a happy marriage you have to first learn to find happiness from within. Go out , see a movie , have a coffee , take a nice walk in the park, start enjoying life. As he see you enjoying life he will maybe want to join you on a walk or a bath, or a coffee date. Marraige is hard work but it’s not his job to keep you happy or help you find happiness. That’s yours and yours alone. You’re an adult and so is he. First find happiness in yourself and he will want to join. If he does not, then that’s his loss, not yours.

  2. Your partner needs to check his fragile ego at the door. You sound fantastic. I suggest counseling alone .

  3. I believe the Rotary Club has a program to find work for disabled people (either mentally or physically. It might be worthwhile checking into.

  4. Mah Dehaan Mah Dehaan says:

    Stop waiting for him.
    Go live your life. He can get fat on the couch.
    You don’t need him to have a life.

  5. Tim Hainer Tim Hainer says:

    Relationships are like complex machines! They require constant maintenance or they fall apart. It sounds like he is content and not open to improvement soo unfortunately your going to be the one putting in the work. Counseling for yourself would be a good start and just keep putting in the extra effort accepting his complacency. Keep looking for that thing you can both enjoy together as a couple! I’m sure there is something out their for you both.

  6. Marriage is hard for everyone, you both need commonality, the family needs togetherness. The only way is through God your kids will love it and I can guarantee that you and your husband will have something in common and the most important Jesus in your lives. God calls us, I believe your family is being called. If you choose the hard way I am sorry. You both sound like you have really good hearts. Scripture tells us to put our trust in Jesus and all will work out. I can completely testify to this as my husband and i were not brought up christian. Our lives are so fulfilling and our commonality is Jesus which makes for a perfect relationship. Your choice but remember your kids love you and a break up will hurt them no matter what. Dont ever let another man tell you that he is interested because he is playing you. Be careful!

  7. The loneliest time of my life was when I was married… Ended that.. Never lonely again!

  8. Sounds like your man needs to look in the mirror and be honest with himself and you about what HE wants. You sound amazing. I’d die for a mate like you.. energy, passion, wanting to improve and grow together, taking the first steps and putting yourself out there, TRYING..
    I wish you the best, you definitely deserve a whole lot more than what you’re getting, I’m sorry for the sadness that is coming, I’m sorry people we care and love end up hurting us the most. I wish you kindness,compassion and a heart full of Love ❤

  9. Girl friends. You need girl friends to do things with that you enjoy doing and are physically able to do. Join a walking club? Some communities have collective kitchen programs where you can pay a small fee and make meals for the freezer with others. Find Mom drop-in programs. Volunteer for something once a week and let hubby watch the kids. Spouses can’t fill all the needs of our lives, so we need to fill those voids in other ways. As a side note, to stretch those food dollars have you heard of the Wecan program? Check it out.

  10. Dallas Welsh Dallas Welsh says:

    Sounds like after 20 years you have grown into diffrent ppl it sure sounds like u guys should split so u can both find ppl that fit your needs n likes

  11. Kevin Houle Kevin Houle says:

    Sounds like you both are bored. May I suggest swinging….

  12. I think your husband is depressed. If he hasn’t already he should be checked and then go from there. As far as finances are concerned yes its a tough economy but not that you can’t find a part time job too. Even with your mobility issues there are desk positions or something you can do. Your husband works part time why not find another part time position as well. I am not judging at all just giving you advice. You are right in feeling the way you feel. I think you should start with my first point get your husband to see a Dr. Good luck hope it all turns out for you. It has so far, at least you both still love each other and that’s a great start.

  13. If you like to read, I think you would enjoy this books. Here is a link to preview … if you like what is in the preview you will like the whole book.

  14. Sounds like you’re both in a rut, just gotta try something different. Don’t fight about anything. It’s always a buzz kill. Life’s too short for bullshit. The Answer is always going to come from you. It’s your life. Be honest with him, not in a nagging kind of way, hell if anything just dress up and pounce on the fucker and tell him to step his game up from kids toys to mans toys lol

  15. There is nothing you can do to earn some income? If you can figure out what you can do to help even a little with the money stress it would make you feel better about yourself plus keep you entertained and make your alone time more quality time together. It sounds like you have a pretty good marriage, you even agree, you just need to find something you can do to not be so needy. Stop comparing yourself to other couples because you are in a different situation due to your mobility issues. I am not in your shoes but the faults that you think your relationship has are very minor. You are responsible for your happiness. If your happiness shows, more good things will happen. Keep looking at the positives in your life, you do seem to have a lot, looking at the negatives does not help

  16. Jesse Hughes Jesse Hughes says:

    Ever heard of “SuperMans” pop 2 and he’ll feel like hes 16 again lmfao

  17. Your feelings are valid. You are not being greedy. It’s frustrating for sure. I really hope you guys can work it out I’m sorry

  18. Oh my, I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling. At the same time, thank you for being vulnerable to reach out. It can be harsh, but online communities like this one can provide valuable insight. My response may be long as well. I have a number of things to suggest.
    I think there is value in embracing yourself as who you are, pursuing your own activities and cultivating your enthusiasm and passions, like your art, even from home. At home, when my spouse plays video games alone in the living room, I watch LOTS of videos online about art, inspirational stories, I write blogs, doodle on my computer using Microsoft Paint, and a lot of my volunteering for nonprofit boards actually involves being on my computer. I even write for my cultural community newspaper, and I’m working on a book. all from home. 🙂 Lots of positive things I manage to do while just hanging out in my home office/ bedroom.
    Yes there is value in going to counseling alone. It can help with validating your feelings, because they ARE valid, and at the same time, finding solutions that help attain your goals based on your personality and history. People resist uncomfortable ideas (like your husband) if in their mind they are hearing “OMG something is wrong”. Counseling can help re-phrase that so you can express it like “I really love you, me, and us and this is why I want us to work this out”. People are more like to make changes if it comes from an encouraging, positive, forward-looking perspective. But in order to do this, a certain level of self-confidence emulating from you can help.
    You DESERVE to have a loving relationship, you DESERVE to have the tools to nurture your personal interests and passions, you DESERVE to love yourself. please please please remember that. 🙂
    My spouse said there are three important parties in a relationship, each individual, and then them together as a unit. So that is you, him, and BOTH of you. It may take some time, but I hope that you find something that works out. All the best! Please make another post if you need more info.

  19. Mj Mank Mj Mank says:

    Sounds like he is experiencing some either depression/denial situation. It sounds like you want to save your marriage and move on with learning new ways and things he sounds like denying is the best solution. If counselling does not work and he does not want to try then you need an intervention either to stay together or part amicably. Good luck my friend.

  20. If your not happy and the other party is not putting in an effort to make it better……..move on. Be happier for your damn self. People don’t change very often.

  21. Diane Peters Diane Peters says:

    Unhappiness is when reality and expectations are far apart. Either change your reality or change your expectations or both. As someone else suggested, counselling on your own might help you figure things out. Good luck.

  22. Cameo Lee Cameo Lee says:

    It’s concerning to read that he says you’re responsible for spoiling the evening.
    Unless you go on mad rampages, screaming and throwing things, he is just as responsible for the quality of your time spent together, as you are. You deserve to have your needs met too. Have you and him explored the five love languages?

  23. You could do things on your own. Invite him to join you, but go anyway. At some point, it’s his decision to partake or not. Your life is there to be enjoyed, too. Not stuck to or dependent on another person. It’s one thing to be lonely, but being lonely while in a relationship is unbearable.

  24. JoAnn Lucy JoAnn Lucy says:

    You could go to counselling alone, it is very helpful and may help.

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