Sorry for long post but I am really feeling depressed with every thought swirling in my head. I would truly appreciate opinions. I know it is internet and if you think you are harsh, trust me I am already more harsh on myself.
My husband and I have 19 years of marriage. We didn’t date much, I was pregnant and we got married before our conservative families could find out. They did anyhow and has nothing to do with us. Mine passed away by now and his don’t even live in the province. Our baby didn’t make it. But we did have 2 kids we are proud of.
We don’t have much in common. We have kids. We worked together for a bit then something really tragic happened that left me without mobility. He helped me a lot when Home Care couldn’t.
He is not a showy romantic guy but I push to do things together. We watch tv, movies mostly or shows. Sometimes we have dinner together alone on wednesdays because our kids go to bed earlier. Our one child is a teen but the other is still little. I don’t work and he helps my care and works part time so we are very low income. So we don’t go to restaurants or anything like that, we can’t afford it and have no babysitter. Just once a week dinner if the kids get to bed early.
We always struggle to find what to do, we feel we don’t have much in common. I have tried to sign up for classes or activities – whether it is walking or taking a cooking class or some craft thing at Michael’s. But he hates that. He likes technology computers gaming. I can’t stand that. I try to understand and ask questions and show interest but usually he says playing games is his de-stressing thing. He prefers to play alone. Bills, finances, health are stressful and he likes his time alone for it. I like reading, sports (though due to health I can’t do much of that), art…things he says bore him to death.
We had sex in common. And his new heart medications kill his sex drive. Ironically now mine is way up where I want to do it several times a day. And he has minimum sex drive so maybe once or twice a month. He doesn’t seem to even care about that. I am the one who initiates, he participates. He is done within 5-10 min and falls asleep. If I want to finish alone, he feels hurt. But I try to finish while he can watch – he feels hurt that I am doing it without him. He says it makes him feel not needed. There is no cuddling. Just done, rolls over to sleep and I am awake looking at the ceiling…
I tried to talk to him about that but it is now a sore subject. He has tried different medications, this is what works and we were informed of the side effects. So I do feel a bit frustrated in this area.
But the biggest issue is that other than tv time, we don’t do anything together. I have suggested things and he doesn’t like them. Then he keeps saying we have nothing in common and our frustrations escalate. He says I spoil the evening. But I need more than watching tv. I want more. I don’t know what but feeling closer, more like a couple.
I know his parents did separate things and he sees that as normal so he thinks we are happy. Then says I want more but we have enough. Yes he is right, we have love, we have never cheated on each other, we have been through a lot and make it as a team.
So why do I feel like it is friendship with occasional benefits? Am I beeing greedy? So many out there want to find a partner they love who loves them. To have a committed relationship and a family. I feel lonely, I feel like I am lacking something in us but I also feel guilty to think that way because I have more than others do.
We have gone to counselling. Initiated by me. He feels there is nothing wrong but he agreed. We tried Cornerstone as they are income based so $20 a session was all we could afford. 2nd session he said there is nothing wrong and walked out and refused to come. We tried Catholic social services – same thing, he didn’t want to continue after first session.
We both feel we can’t find things in common and he knows I feel that there is something missing. But he says he doesn’t feel it and he is happy. He wants me to just be happy and I can’t.
I don’t know what to do…or if I am just expecting the impossible. Plus with my mobility issues and financial issues, I think I can’t find any more counselling.