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I am a gentleman in my 20s working hard and paying myself through university.

A few months ago, I met with a guy and we seem to like each other a lot and have spent quite sometime together and somewhat been hinting on a few long term plans. I really do like this guy but folks in my inner circle strongly disapprove of the idea of us being together simply because he dropped out of high school, is unemployed and basically has no motivation/goals and ambitions so to them, we’re definitely not a match and also adds another layer of stress on top of being gay POC. I am hoping to help him get his diploma and figure himself out so he can do something he’s interested in and or enjoys.

Am I being realistic or my people are right? Because apparently you can’t falll in love with potential.

Where’s the compromise and am I making too much of a sacrifice for this to work?

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37 Responses

  1. Rhon Magyar Rhon Magyar says:

    You’re trying to change him or parent him. He has to do all those you mentioned for himself. He sounds incredibly immature for his age. I understand relationships may be more difficult, but you need to look out for you and your future now, not his. What you will be doing is enabling his current dependency on others. At your age (or any age really) you don’t need to be his mentor or sugar daddy. Not being rude, just factual. Tin of red flags here and you know this too or you wouldn’t have posted this. A buddy or a roll in the hay doesn’t mean you have to pay for it. You know very well what your gut is telling you. Listen to it.

  2. One bonus is if he gets a job at McDonald’s he gets a discount, BHAHAHAHAHA!

  3. Listen to your people. They know and love you. You cannot grow as a person or in a relationship with someone who isn’t growing. You also cannot fix or make a person grow. They must have the motivation and want to do it themselves.
    Our most important relationship is with our self… so if I’m gonna be with some one, I want that someone to take good care of themselves and that includes goals and clear communication about where the relationship is heading. If all he does is hint, he doesn’t know what he wants. If he has no goals or nothing going on, he isn’t valuing himself and doesn’t know his worth. And that is not something you should wait around on or try to fix.
    Focus on you until you find someone that matches your effort, energy frequency, lust for life and motivation for goals.

  4. Your people are right. You will go broke financially, emotionally, mentally trying to help him and keep him afloat. He needs to find his own desire to better his life and do things for himself, you’re not his mother.

  5. Josh Neary Josh Neary says:

    Only you know what to do

  6. Sue Weir Sue Weir says:

    People need to mind their business when it comes to someone else’s life. You will be the only one who can be the judge of what’s right for you. Give it some time. If you discover that he can’t/won’t get his life on track to keep a relationship with you, then it’s your decision to end things or take another path. Who knows, your time and guidance may be all it takes for him to be who he wants to be.
    Bottom line, it’s your life, your decision!

  7. LOve always wins! Do what you feel is best for you both. There is NO perfect idea of what two people should be or do. Just figure the adventure out together. Good for you, and exciting time for you both.

  8. Lee Sustrik Lee Sustrik says:

    It’s very possible he has mental heath concerns. I would address this first. Well, the heart wants what it wants. Next work together be supportive and find where his career path lies; maybe, see a employment counselor to help. One important side note you also need to look at your history with friends and boyfriends. Do you seek out relationships similar to this?

  9. Myra Maines Myra Maines says:

    You can’t help, save or change anyone – Unless they’re motivated to want to do it themselves. Don’t put yourself in the position of being this guys keeper.

    You sound like you have your life in order, have plans, goals and working towards them. Your friend sounds like the complete opposite of you.

    You say ‘somewhat hinting on long term plans”? You clearly have plans. You say he is a school drop out, unemployed, not motivated, no ambition, no goals. Maybe his plan is YOU. To work your arse off support him financially. Winters coming, stray cats look for a warm place to stay.

    I’m sorry but I think your family is right. It sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.

    I would run the other way. Stay focussed on your own path because it sounds like a great one. Don’t let someone derail it on you. Eventually that right person will enter your life at the right time. Dont settle for less than you deserve.

  10. Ruth Wadley Ruth Wadley says:

    Going into any relationship with the intent to change that person is just asking for trouble & disappointment. If you can’t see being with them long term if they stay exactly this way, I’d move on. If they improve on their own, fantastic, what a bonus but changing someone shouldn’t be the priority.

  11. You do what works for you. Don’t let anyone dictate who you should or should not date.

  12. Go for it buddy!! I have been with underachievers and overachievers and at the end of the day I can’t say what was right or wrong but what I can tell you today is I have no regrets. For the ones I helped I feel good looking back knowing I helped them and for the ones that helped me I am thankful for their help. Love is blind and no one can guide you through. Be true to yourself because that is all that matter. Best of luck

  13. Trust your gut not what others say.

  14. Count on only you for getting your best future. Don’t add what amounts to ‘a project’ right now you will only end up resenting him when his issues/problems/finances/struggles become yours and next thing you know you’re not doing the best for yourself or your future you’re sinking into a pit of debt and issue after issue. P.s. He has to want to do better and make something of himself all on his own, nothing will change without that internal drive.

  15. Lyn Hessels Lyn Hessels says:

    Depends a lot on his age. Younger people can and do change. If he is older, like in his mid 30’s and still doesn’t have his poop in a scoop don’t get your hopes up. Having said that though, love is always a gamble. Your friends are only looking out for your happiness, but it’s your life.

  16. Your people are right. Never fall in love with someone’s potential. They’ll let you down every time and resent you for putting them on a pedestal they don’t deserve. It’s a bottomless pool of wanting and giving. And if this person ends up being selfish, they’ll eventually strip you bare.

    If they are trying to better themselves on their own, great, but other people are not our personal life goal projects

  17. Been there done that. Being aimless and unmotivated can be charming and eccentric at first but quickly becomes tiresome

  18. I was in a similar situation once. You get tired of being the one paying for everything and bailing out the other person all the time. Many years have passed and he still hasn’t gotten very far in life. Hopefully your person is different, but I wouldn’t hold my breath, nor would I go and invest too much money into this person either.

  19. If he has no drive, you can’t force him. He can only do it for himself. Sounds like you know the answer. You have a great life ahead of you. Don’t let him bring you down.

  20. Janet Cashin Janet Cashin says:

    I met a guy aimless and lacking confidence – I fell in love. I supported him financially and mentally built his confidence and he ended up graduating from the University of Alberta and has had an outstanding career. We’ve been married 38 years and still crazy for each other. If your gut tells you there’s potential don’t give up!

  21. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
    Stay focused on yourself and your ambitions

  22. Sharon Swan Sharon Swan says:

    well keep your eyes open .. you say he has no motivation .. well if you keep together lots of times these people still have no motivation to get a job or go outside to even look for one .. he may be looking for someone to support him .. .without him contributing anything financial to the relationship . .if you are good with that go for it .. myself I would set a time limit on him getting a job .. say 3 months .. if you want a job you can find one .. no matter if cutting grass pumping gas mcdonalds whatever just to show that he has some ambition ..if not I would kick him to the curb and move on ..

  23. Why would you base your decision about your own happiness on the opinion of others? Ppl fall in love with potential all the time, place high expectations on ppl and are disappointed they didn’t live up to their expectations. Just be sure you know what could happen being with someone with no ambitions. Who knows you could be what he needs to jump start his life. Ppl also confuse intelligence to education… A drop out can be a lot smarter than a person with a degree. If you love someone enough if you’re really meant for each other why would any of that matter anyways.

  24. If you would like to help him out give yourself a time limit for him to show some initiative. You will end up babysitting someone you love which can end up being very hard

  25. Jennifer Ess Jennifer Ess says:

    Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. It’s your life. That being said, You can only help and motivate someone if It’s what they want. If he’s not interested in bettering himself then don’t waste too much of your time.

  26. It’s your life so do what you want with it. You can’t have others making your decisions. That being said, you can’t change someone. It is possible to bring out the best in them but remember sometimes, they can bring the worst out in you. Have some fun and enjoy your time with him. If you notice he’s leaning too much on you or doesn’t seem motivated to do anything in life after a couple months with your influence, than you will have your answer. Good luck with university and love ❤️

  27. Nei Nei Nei Nei says:

    20’s? Live. Love. Learn.

  28. If he doesn’t take the initiative and make the changes there is really no point in you investing your time, money and energy to make it happen. He will just make excuses based on the fact that he “only” did it for you.
    I’d be like “I like you well enough, but I cannot be with someone who will just depend on me to pay the bills.”

  29. Well the motivation must come from within himself but you may be able to help him get motivated. Take it day by day. There is a reason why he is not motivated and that is probably the starting point to figure out.

  30. Take the next three months and watch closely. Is he helping himself? If not
    Then your help will do
    Nothing. If he is helping himself then your help will also be beneficial.
    If he is just
    Lazy with no motivation you should wait until lust wears off and reassess

  31. Honestly, sometimes it takes being with someone such as yourself to really shed a light on inner dreams. Even if it doesnt work out the way you imagine, you may end up helping him out in the long run. These are your feelings, no one else’s. We live and we learn through doing.

  32. I guess the question is…do you like him enough to not care what others think? Yeah it could turn out well with you helping him, but my point is that doesn’t matter if you go by what other people think vs. your own happiness.

  33. Alexis Musik Alexis Musik says:

    You do what you want, it’s your life.

  34. Leslie Ann Leslie Ann says:

    Do what your heart tells you. Trust me screw what others think its YOUR life not anyone elses. I love the fact you’re even remotely interested in helping him to succeed that shows a lot about your care and love for someone. It also shows you are an amazing person. Go for it screw others opinions

  35. If you like him, screw what everybody else thinks. They don’t live your life.

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