I have a problem and I am asking for no assumptions of bad parenting or my life. It is hard to reach out as it is.
I am a mom of 2 kids. I have been sole provider after my husband’s stroke. I have been trying to do my best for my kids. But things happened and I am struggling with cancer treatments. It is now 3 years and still not enough progress. Because of that, I am barely holding on to my job and faced foreclosure.
My mom saved me from foreclosure. She agreed to give me a loan for my mortgage, I pay her every month. In exchange, I pay her 2% interest. Plus she is on title of my home with me, we share title until mortgage paid off. She also gets to see the kids every weekend. Maybe it was dumb but I was desperate to get on my feet.
I never miss a payment. But my mom has been so hard on me. She tells kids that I don’t work, I just go to the office and sit on my behind and I should be with them more or cooking more or cleaning. I know I am behind on those but I am trying to balance work and household things and medical. I am feeling horrible but I am truly trying my best to be a mom, I am not the best but I am doing my best.
My son messed up by screwing up grades and lying. He is 12. I took away his stuff. He is expected to earn it back. My mom told him that I am wrong. Not only did she say in public that I am a bad mother, lazy, doing nothing but sleep during the day, don’t work or cook or clean and don’t know how to raise kids but she also did it in front of my son. And that takes away my authority.
Things are harder with him but I am trying to keep pushing my foot down. My mom always put me down all my life but now more than ever.
I have a therapist I see. We discuss my mom being inappropriate. Or that she always calls me not good enough. She never believes me. I am struggling with cancer and she says I am lazy. I am struggling to work but she says I am not really doing anything.
I said maybe agreeing to her helping my loan may be a mistake but my therapist says I did what I needed to do to get on my feet financially. And I am locked in 10 years of this loan. I can’t move out or sell. It’s hard to explain but there are a lot of legalities and my therapist says I have to stick it out for now.
It hurts that my family pushes me away like that. My brother won’t have anything to do with me because he doesn’t want to be around poor people. His words. He won’t return my calls, he says I am a loser by not buying the latest technology for my kids so bad mom. But I can’t afford it. I buy the basics – they have food, shelter, clothes. Yes I can’t afford gifts for them, big or small. So what. I am not asking for handouts. We have holiday dinners that are chicken with rice and my kids get socks, hygiene items as gifts. But they are loved.
I feel stuck. I am stuck. I know it won’t be forever. I just don’t know how to push consequences when I am undermined. I feel like I wish I could erase my health stuff but I can’t. I am frustrated, I feel alone, I feel everything negative about myself. I hide all this. But it feels so hard more and more. I just wish I could feel happy. Therapy is helping a little but not enough.
Anyone else feel like a hamster running in a wheel and cannot get out? I feel so tired of cooking, cleaning, issues. I am tired of life