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Toxic relationship

I love my spouse, but this relationship needs to end. I have never in my life loved someone so immensely before But I know this relationship can’t continue. I discovered he had cheated on me with an online porn addiction that got very much out of hand. He was messaging other people very intimate details and content was disturbing. No sex or physical contact offline was made with these people.

When i found out i choose to stay because of the incredible relationship we had otherwise. We went to counselling. But, the counsellor did nothing to repair(or gave me the tools to cope) the pain, hurt and rejection I felt. I know he’s not cheating on me anymore. I can guarantee that. We have measures in place we have both agreed upon. I wont get into those details. But i am still so ANGRY. We dont have sex anymore than once a month. Partly him. Partly me. I feel hes not doing the necessary repair work, yet i dont know what exactly i expect. Im stuck. I do try, i put a smile on my face and go about our life but it always comes back to the first 5 years of our relationship being a lie and was always telling me lies.

I feel I can’t move on. I know I have PTSD from my past which is why it makes it difficult for me to cope with experiences like this. I don’t have close friends or family to talk to or turn to for help. Mental health counsellors I’ve been to in the past are a joke. I have physical health issues that prevent me from working which dont get me wrong i will push through and work i just prefer to not end up paralyzed. I need to find me again! I want to be happy and not crying everynight angry, sad, rejected, unwanted. I don’t want to see triggers everywhere I go. I want trust in my life.

I just needed this off my chest and would love to hear something positive please being I don’t have anyone really to talk to.

I know these get brought up sometimes in posts like This, so here’s some answers
* Guys needing occasional release vs porn addiction taking over life COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

STORY CONTINUES BELOW

* Cheating spouse vs online porn addiction cheating
I choose to stay otherwise because no offline contact was made. Amazing father and would absolutely do anything for anyone and great guy otherwise.

*Yes, I’m very good at sex. No, not why he went running for porn. It’s called addiction for a reason. Started before we were even together.

* no I’m not a dillusional ‘young’ woman. Im middle aged with young-adult children.

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